1. Your dreamy-looking elected officials distract from the important business of political name-calling and sustaining gridlock.

2. All that free government health care cuts down on sick days, which everyone knows are for bingeing Seattle-set TV shows filmed in Vancouver.

3. Axe throwing? What kind of a wimpy sport is that?

4. The more you think about it, calling someone a hoser sounds kinda dirty.

5. Poutine is widely available at fast-food drive-throughs, and Canadian car upholstery has never recovered.

6. Everyone knows the real Vancouver is that 170,000-strong metropolis where you stop for gas en route to Portland. 

7. Canadians’ genuine acts of niceness inspire feelings of confusion and mistrust.