Boxed In

Police rescued an 80-year-old woman in Illinois from a hostage situation after her Seattle-based daughter noticed she hadn’t texted her daily Wordle score. Unanswered messages prompted her children to alert the authorities. No indication of how many five-letter words the former teacher thought of during the many hours a naked, scissors-wielding man locked her in a bathroom (she was uninjured), but some four-letter ones must have come to mind. 

KOMO Axes Its Tourism Bureau

Broadcast news fixated on crime downtown early in 2022, and nobody was more obsessed than KOMO reporter Jonathan Choe. During one dispatch, he stood across from police on Third Avenue and queried a visiting couple, “You guys aren’t afraid to walk through all this?” The tourists, befuddled, kept walking. Choe was later fired after multiple incidents.

Flightmare Fuel

Pilots have experienced some unexpected air traffic in the vicinity of Jet City. The rollout of AT&T and Verizon’s 5G wireless services grounded all passenger flights at Paine Field earlier this year because it potentially interfered with vital safety equipment. And someone trained a green light on multiple planes approaching Sea-Tac in dangerous (and criminal) “laser strikes.”

Stuck on KUOW

A glitch in Mazdas of a certain age recently tested the limits of our public radio fandom. Drivers turning to the NPR station in cars made between 2014 and 2017 sent their infotainment systems into a new iteration of the Seattle Freeze. The problem remains something of a mystery, but local dealerships have begun installing replacement parts free of charge to appease the aggrieved tote-clutchers.

Not a Prime Delivery

Jeff Bezos has offered to pay for the deconstruction of a historic bridge in Rotterdam, Netherlands, to accommodate the shipment of his $485 million superyacht. In protest, thousands of Facebook users have pledged to egg the 417-foot vessel as it makes its way through the Dutch port. In unrelated news, Bezos’s ex MacKenzie Scott has donated more to charity since their split than the Amazon founder.

Editor’s note: This list is updated quarterly with news items of questionable import but indubitable resonance in the Seattle zeitgeist. If you have any odd local anecdotes to share that haven’t made headlines yet, feel free to send them to [email protected]

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