Obama and I are fighting. It's pretty major. So major, in fact, I have been making him sleep on the couch all week. This morning's coffee and eggs were pretty awkward. No eye contact, short clipped answers to questions, and I slammed the door when I left our DC condo this morning. And I am totally ignoring his apology texts today. I can be kind of a bitch when you've wronged me.
What did Obama do to deserve my attitude? Well, I'll tell you what he did!
While doing a Googles search on our home computer, I found a motion on our computer - OUR computer—that seeks to move to dismiss the first gay marriage case in federal court. Guess what? It was totally written by his administration. Oh really? Hey Obama—how is it that you can be spooning me one night and then totally cock-blocking our gay movement the next? Huh?! No answer? That's what I thought.
And I don't care if it was written by a Mormon Bush holdover. Fire his spacepants underweared ass! Does O-staff proof-read anything? Riddle me that, Obama!
It's bad enough he's been totally fiddle-fucking around with fixing that leaky drain in our bathroom. And by leaky drain, I mean repealing 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' "Oh baby, I have to fix the crumbling world economy", "Oh darling, I have two wars I have to end", "Oh schmoopies, health care is a disaster". Excuses! You can't promise to fix the leaky drain—a drain that 69% of Americans agree needs to be fixed —and then let it drip endlessly.
Obama tried sending me some "make-up" flowers yesterday. And by flowers, I mean extending health care benefits to same sex partners of federal employees. Whoopty-fucking-doo. Hey, Obama, guess what? I am a supermodel...this doesn't help me exactly. Nor do I think you'll ever get around to giving me a ring. And they aren't even full health care benefits. Whatevs! God, you are the worst downlow Presidential boyfriend ever!