O in the 'Heezy.' Apologies to the FOX Table

By ObamaNerd May 10, 2009


So I, ObamaNerd, am in New Jersey.  Don't judge me. Can you think of a more ideal place to be to watch the White House Correspondents' Dinner?  No, I dare you to think of one place on Earth except, say, Akron or Kabul that is more ideal than the Jersey Shore to watch the political version of the Academy Awards, minus the awards.  From your hotel room.  That's right above a gay disco.

For those of you that just crawled out from under the ash of your torched California mansion (special note to Californians:  Invest in some fucking flame retardant. You, um, have a wildfire issue. Plan accordingly)—the White House Correspondents' Dinner is the big event in Washington DC where everyone political gets to blow off a little steam, rib the press, rib themselves, rib their opponents and take a stab at some stand up comedy.  President Obama and comedienne Wanda Sykes took the stage this year.

Ok.  Before I launch into CNN's coverage of the dinner.  Let's take a look at the 'celebrities' mingling prior to the event.

  • Samuel Jackson  (does he even qualify as a celebrity technically?)

  • Jon Bon Jovi (hi, shouldn't you be here where I am and I should be where you are?)

  • Sting (Jesus, enough. We get it.  You're liberal.  Now go make a record.)

  • Christian Slater (um, nice face lift.  I see you ordered the Joan Rivers on the menu.)

  • Wanda Sykes (mentioned above and whom I love and I'll cut you if you dare slight her.)

  • Some hot dude I couldn't make out but still want to make out, if you catch my drift.

  • Amy Poehler (whom I love more than Wanda Sykes, but not because she's white).

  • Steven Speilberg (Pretentious, party of two.)

  • The Rock (who also should be where I am, but on my face, not in my stead.)

And holy shit.  Did you see Barbara Walters "Stevie Nicks-like-Yet-Even-More-Goth" dress?  Wow. OK and did Greta Van Sustern just come out of the closet with that haircut and her mansuit?  Forgive me, lesbian sisters, but you best get your house in order.  You have a Republican in your midst.

Back to the dinner...

There is so much to dissect that I think it best if we cut right to the best and worst of White House Correspondents' Dinner 2009:

Worst Camera Pan:  Cut to Demi and Ashton.  Hey, America. They are still together and laughing. Rejoice!

President Obama's Best Truth Hurts Line: "I am Barack Obama.  Most of you covered me.  All of you voted for me. Apologies to the FOX table."


Weirdest Collarbone:  Michelle Obama.  Um. Is it me or does she look uneasy?  And did her collarbone turn into a floral arrangement?  Fuck.  We have a Code Red:  Aretha's hat maker is doing necklaces now!

O's Most clever line: "Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers in the audience.  This is a tough holiday for Rahm Emanuel.  Because he's not used to saying the word 'day' after mother."

O's Best Slam on the Worst Marketing Effort: "Michael Steele is in the House.  Or as he likes to say 'in the heezy'.  Hey.  Wassup?  Michael, for the last time, the Republican Party does not qualify for a bailout.  Rush Limbaugh cannot be considered a troubled asset".

O's Weirdest Moment: "The White House has become a place where people can learn and grow.  Just last week Larry Summers asked if he could chair the Council on Women and Girls." WTF?

The President's Best "Oh No He Didn't Moment":  It's a tie between his Hillary advice to Arlen Specter "You know what I always say 'If you can't beat them, join them'".  And his ..."even John Boehner will consider becoming a Democrat.  Besides, we have a lot of in common.  After all, he is a person of color. Although not a color that appears in the natural world".  Oh snap, bitch.

His Best 'See, I told you I was God' Validator:  "My next 100 days will be so successful that I will complete them in 72 days.  And on the 73rd day, I will rest."

Wanda has some hilarious comments and lines as well.  Check her out here.
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