Taste Test: Mouthing Off About Toothpaste
Image: Brandon Hill
Weleda Salt Toothpaste ($8)
Sugarpill Apothecary, sugarpillseattle.com
Andy: Horrible beyond measure. It’s too chemically.
Allecia: Not bad, but it doesn’t feel right to rub a bunch of salt on my teeth and call it dental hygiene.
Warner: Not good at all. It tastes like gum does once you’ve chewed out the sugar.
Abby: It’s really salty.
Image: Brandon Hill
Marvis Cinnamon Toothpaste ($12)
Barneys New York, barneys.com
Andy: This one has a punch to it. It’s intense and lights up your mouth. Kissably clean.
Allecia: Strong! Good if you like cinnamon, I guess.
Warner: This is definitely the best tasting.
Abby: Too spicy.
Image: Brandon Hill
Accoutrements Cupcake Toothpaste ($5)
Archie McPhee, mcphee.com/shop
Andy: I feel like it would eventually give you bad breath.
Allecia: It’s sweet and pleasant to taste, but no way in hell can my dentist think this is okay.
Warner: It tastes like the exact mix of a cupcake and toothpaste.
Abby: This tastes like cupcakes and sprinkles. I really like it. [Takes another taste] Where did you buy it?
Image: Brandon Hill
Desert Essence Natural Tea Tree Oil Toothpaste in Mint ($6)
PCC Natural Markets, pccnaturalmarkets.com
Andy: I would use this; it’s powerful and makes me feel sensual.
Allecia: This tastes like something hippies use to wash their face.
Warner: It tastes thick. But it’s definitely a lot of tea tree taste.
Abby: It just tastes like mint.
Image: Brandon Hill
Jason Nutrismile Orange, Cinnamon, and Mint Toothpaste ($6)
PCC Natural Markets, pccnaturalmarkets.com
Andy: It’s not kissable and wouldn’t last long enough for a makeout session.
Allecia: Holiday appropriate.
Warner: It’s like orange tea, and it really feels like fall. I’d brush with it in the fall or at least have it in my bathroom to smell it.
Abby: After you rinse out with water, it tastes really sweet.
Image: Brandon Hill
Accoutrements Bacon Toothpaste ($5)
Archie McPhee, mcphee.com/shop
Andy: It’s kind of just pasty.
Allecia: I don’t taste bacon. I don’t taste anything.
Warner: It’s actually not bad. It smells smoky, but I was expecting it to taste more like bacon—if you didn’t tell me this was bacon toothpaste, I wouldn’t know.
Abby: I don’t taste it. It smells like bacon though...kind of strange.
Image: Brandon Hill
Tom’s Propolis and Myrrh Gingermint Toothpaste ($5)
PCC Natural Markets, pccnaturalmarkets.com
Andy: Disgusting. It’s like when I put too much ginger in my juicer.
Allecia: Weird. It’s like something you would use to clean the sink.
Warner: It’s not bad, but that ginger is definitely strong.
Abby: Like gingerbread cookies but a little spicier, like that pickled ginger at the sushi restaurants.
Image: Brandon Hill
Trader Joe’s Antiplaque Toothpaste with Fennel, Propolis, and Myrrh ($2.29)
Trader Joe’s, traderjoes.com
Andy: It doesn’t leave you with a clean mouth feel. It’s not bad, but for date night...not even close.
Allecia: Actually quite pleasant, like a grown-up mint.
Warner: It has the aftertaste of eating a licorice jellybean.
Abby: Ew. It tastes like black licorice, and I only like red.
Famous Toothaches
Internet
With over 100 million views, David became a YouTube sensation after his dad filmed his hilarious response to a tooth extraction, prompting David’s philosophical inquiry, “Is this real life?”
—2009, “David After Dentist,” YouTube
Published: January 2013
