Skip the helium and use only your own breath. 

Like Thanksgiving and Christmas before it, we need to stay hunkered down this New Year’s Eve to keep our Covid curve trending down. No big house parties. No Space Needle fireworks show. No blowout meals in restaurants. But you don’t need to abandon your festive spirit. Here are some safe Seattle options.

Spend all night crafting the perfect line about hindsight being 2020.

Something about how you, err, shouldn’t have made that “corona with Lyme disease” joke in February? Or that your last sit-down restaurant meal shouldn't have been Red Robin?

Crochet a white flag of surrender.

You know why.

Drink alone in the dark.

Perhaps you’ve already done so in part this year. But NYE is a special occasion! So lean into it: Turn out all the lights, sit alone in a room, sip something—maybe a cup of tea, or a martini, or just Pepto-Bismol—and softly weep.   

Burn mementos of 2020 in a witchy break-up ritual.

Double, double toil and trouble; fire burn and cauldron bubble. Bag of beans from QFC and extra rolls of coarse TP, sweatpants bought in Costco pack and pile of compostable forks from restaurants that keep piling up in your goddamn kitchen and you have no use for because you eat all your takeout at home with your own metal forks but you keep forgetting to ask restaurants to leave them out and do feel guilty about how wasteful it is because you’ll never actually…um...like a hell-broth boil and bubble.  

Chambong over Zoom.

Combine this very prepandemic trend with our current virtual reality and feel a rift open in your heart, which may or may not be carbonation induced acid reflux.   

Smoke a joint and watch the virtual Space Needle “fireworks” or just your screen saver.

The two options may appear surprisingly similar.

Buy some of those big shiny gold 2021 balloons and inflate them with only your own breath.

This should take most of the night. Whenever you finish, even if it’s 8 o’clock, use one as a pillow and go to bed.

Do literally nothing.

No, not even that.  

Just don’t “celebrate the end of this awful year” or utter the words “to a better 2021.”

You want to jinx us all like that? Really?

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