Wired: The September issue has a page titled “Inside the Bar of the Very Near Future, Where You’re the Bartender” and I hope the magazine is wrong about nearly every innovation. Among the tech we’re told to expect to see in bars is SceneTap, in which “an ‘anonymous’ facial-detection algorithm connected to a camera at the entrance (creepy!) tells an app on your phone the current male-to-female ratio, average age….”; and Turnstyle, a monitoring system that tracks patrons’ phones and “feeds the house info on unique visitors and repeat customers.”—James Ross Gardner

Slate: No, your favorite food is not like crack, rants a Slate writer in a finger-wagging piece sure to make restaurants that name menu items after the addictive drug tremble with shame. That writer’s lookin’ at you, Li’l Woody’s. (Don’t worry, Woody: The great majority of us get it that the fries-you-dip-in-a-milkshake combo your menu calls Crack doesn’t really “ruin your health, finances, and relationships.” Well—not the finances and relationships anyway.)—Kathryn Robinson

Food Beast: If you haven’t caught an episode of My Drunk Kitchen on YouTube with the adorable boozehound and home cook Hannah Hart, then you’ve been missing out. For example on her “brunch” installment she makes (tries to make?) pancakes while downing at least two bottles of champagne—with the perfect mix of orange juice, of course. In this interview she talks about her Internet fame, and it shows she’s just as charming as ever.—Cassie Sawyer

Kotaku: Okay, first get over the fact that, yes, these bananas look really phallic. Then, realize that artist Keisuke Yamada has got some serious fruit sculpting talent.—Cassie Sawyer