In general, we love the Esquire. But in its latest issue, the men’s magazine reveals that it thinks Kate Beckinsale is the sexiest woman alive. Um, no. Also, Esquire’s Best New Restaurants 2009 guide includes not 1 but 0 Northwest restaurants. (Don’t worry, we’ve got you covered.)

Maybe it’s because writer John Mariani hates the phrase "farm to table" so much he’s afraid to visit any of our seasonally focused restaurants with all their annoying locally sourced ingredient?

Below is Mariani’s “Trends on which we’d like to place a thousand year ban,” which appeared as a sidebar in the restaurants guide. While some of his objections are understandable (as much as we’re loving Bathtub Gin, the whole speakeasy thing is incredibly tired), we are scratching our heads over why he might have a problem with cocktail programs or a choice of salts.

What do you think?

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Trends on which We’d Like to Place a Thousand Year Ban
By John Mariani, printed in Esquire’s November issue, page 86.

The fascination with Restaurant Critics

Fake speakeasies—no sign over the door, no discernible phone number, no thank you

The phrase “farm to table”

Unisex restrooms—no urinals, plus its awkward to exit and find a woman waiting for you to finish

Cocktail programs

Any food turned into powder

High-end hamburgers

High-end pizza

High-end Vietnamese street sandwiches

Waiters named Todd—sorry, no reason for this, just a pet peeve

Three kinds of salt on the table

Calories listings on menus.
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Don’t support the ban on high-end burgers? See our Best Burgers picks here.