People are always calling New Year’s Eve “Amateur Night,” but I’ve never seen so much cross-eyed buffoonery as I did the year I spent St Patrick’s Day in Times Square. Miller-Lite sloshing, stumbling college girls in green beads as far as the eye could see. The memory still sends a chill down my spine.

But what are you going to do, stay home? On a holiday when all you’re required to do is drink beer and act like an idiot? That’s crazy talk. Here, my round-up of Seattle-area St Patrick’s events and shenanigans.

If you’re not up for a full-on green scene, try one of these pub-type bars for a quiet pint. Or, join Tom Douglas at the Palace Ballroom for a craft beer and food tasting. (Five-8pm. Tickets are $35. Reservations: [email protected] or 206-448-2001.)

I, however, plan to confront my fears by slapping on some sort of Bartells-bought green head wear and heading to one of these all-out events.

Kirkland’s Wilde Rover goes 21 and over at 11am. There will be $10 cover beginning at 2pm; live bands tune up at 3. See website for performers.

Kells in Post Alley opens at 10am on the 17th, charges $20 at the door, and will host seven bands including one called the Smokin Shamrock’s (apostrophe theirs).

Meanwhile in the U District, the college kiddies will collect at Finn Maccool’s for a $10 corned beef and cabbage special, live music, and, I’m guessing, major drunken drama. Servers start taking breakfast orders at 9am.

Fado, however, puts all these so-called early birds to shame by opening at the ungodly hour of 7am. They’ve also got—you guessed it—Celtic bands all afternoon and evening, plus a heated beer garden and special St. Patty’s food menu.

Update: Forgot one. BOKA is doing $3 pints of Guinness from 11am-close and from 3:30 pm-close, $14 flights of Irish Whiskey (half shots of Jameson, Bushmills, and Red Breast).