THE REAL HIT KING
To put it simply, no one's ever been better at getting hits than Ichiro Suzuki. On Sunday, Ichiro reached the 3,000 hit mark in Major League Baseball with a triple in Denver against the Colorado Rockies. When added to his Japanese hit total, the Mariners legend and current Miami Marlin has slapped 4,278 hits, more than any major league baseball player ever. Add in his all-world defense, laser arm, willingness to just get on base instead of trying to hit for flashy power (you're wrong, dumb fans), and the fact that he's the greatest quotable athlete ever, and you've got a no-doubt-about-it Hall of Famer.
The Mariners retired Ken Griffey Jr.'s #24 this past weekend. They better already be planning for #51 to join it.
THESE TWEETS ARE GONNA BE HUUUUUUGE
Need some levity to get through this landscape of a presidential election? Follow Owen Ellickson (@onlxn) on Twitter. He's perfected a joke format of multi-tweet fake conversations between Donald Trump, Paul Ryan, and Chris Christie. Ellickson's full Trump-Christie-Ryan archives can be found on Storify (and they're best when viewed in thread chunks), but here are a few choice entries from the past few days alone...
RYAN: "The baby"?— Owen Ellickson (@onlxn) August 7, 2016
TRUMP: You know, the baby. Big crier. The diva.
RYAN: Why'd you put it in quotes?
TRUMP: Well, people have questions
RYAN: You're literally doing worse w/ black voters than David Duke.— Owen Ellickson (@onlxn) August 6, 2016
TRUMP: Makes sense. They ARE a big focus of his, in a way
TRUMP: You got a nice little all-white party! Nothing wrong w/ that!— Owen Ellickson (@onlxn) August 7, 2016
RYAN: You did this!
TRUMP: Wasn't exactly Benetton when I got here, OK?
Ellickson also has other great non-political riffs, like the following tweet which turns into thread discussing the terrifying powers of Frozen's Elsa and ranking Disney princesses by fighting ability...
another Sunday, another morning spent contemplating Elsa's horrifically awesome powers— Owen Ellickson (@onlxn) August 7, 2016
ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO MOCK
I've been informed that because I have multiple journalism degrees, I'm legally required to post this video from Sunday's episode of Last Week Tonight detailing just a few of the problems facing modern journalism. Look, I don't make the rules, I just follow them.
GOOD TWEETS OF THE WEEK
These are some good tweets, y'all...
This remains the best sentence ever written that needs an Oxford comma pic.twitter.com/2lXFokIGaz— Slade Sohmer (@Slade) August 4, 2016
Top 10 songs in musicals pic.twitter.com/fFQ96Q6Lmy— Marc Snetiker (@MarcSnetiker) August 3, 2016
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]— chuuch (@ch000ch) March 1, 2016
i am also free that day.