For the first time in three years, the Seahawks will not play in the Super Bowl. It’s likely you know this if you live in Seattle and you are alive. However, it’s also likely that you’re too busy (still) licking your wounds after the Seahawks’ loss in the divisional round playoff game to care about the NFL’s presentation of this year’s Most Expensive Commercials Interspersed with Occasional Football Action from the Carolina Panthers and Denver Broncos. This would be a mistake, and here’s why.
Because Cam Newton
He trashes 12th Man flags. He likes to pretend he’s a superhero. He is literally Mr. Fancy Pants. But he’s also the best quarterback in the game. And if the Panthers win, you’ll be able to spend all day Monday reading hot takes on sportsmanship and Playing the Game the Right Way.
Because Peyton Manning
The insurance pitchman who moonlights as a quarterback for the Broncos is now approximately 73 years old, which means that if he manages to pull out a victory (he won’t) without pulling every muscle in his body (he will), he’ll be the oldest player to ever hoist the Lombardi Trophy. History!
Because Lady Gaga
She’s singing the National Anthem. Fingers crossed we get a Leo-esque reaction shot from Jim Nantz.
Because Separation is in the Preparation
In between Googling synonyms for “beautiful woman” and brainstorming ideas for his next Halloween costume, Russell Wilson will watch the Super Bowl very closely because he is a True Student of the Game and a try-hard. If you are the Dangeruss acolyte you claim to be, you will do as he does.
Because Seven-Layer Dip
If you don’t go to your friend’s Super Bowl party, you’ll miss out. Come on.
Because Shaq Thompson
The former University of Washington linebacker said mean things about the Seahawks on Snapchat after the Panthers’ playoff victory over Seattle. Watch and let your inner Husky and inner Hawk duke it out.
She’ll be singing at halftime with that guy who used to be married to Gwyneth Paltrow. And if we’re lucky, she’ll dress up like she did in the video for his band’s new song, “Hymn for the Weekend.” Come for the milquetoast rock, stay for the cultural appropriation!
Because This Face
Just like he did when his brother played in (and lost) Super Bowl XLVIII, Eli Manning will probably be on hand to watch the carnage. And just like then, he will give us another excellent reaction shot.
Because Gruesome Injuries
Panthers linebacker Thomas Davis broke his arm in the NFC Championship game, a break so severe that it required nearly a dozen screws to repair. AND HE’S STILL GOING TO PLAY. Make sure you gorge on the seven-layer dip after his arm falls off.
Because This Haircut
Mark Davis owns the Oakland Raiders, who play in a converted dumpster just up the road from Levi’s Stadium, the swanky site of Super Bowl 50. Mark Davis wants desperately to move his foundering team to a city that will buy him a new football palace but has yet to find a
sucker mayor who will pony up the dough. There is a very high probability that he will parachute into the middle of the game and make a promise to NFL commissioner Roger Goddell to stop using a cereal bowl to cut his hair in exchange for the right to move to Las Vegas.