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Severance Package Details Came Via Snapchat

When employees of the upscale Seven Salon’s downtown location were sent home early one night in January, they thought it was because the hair dryers needed maintenance. But hours later, they learned—via text message—that the business was closing for good and they were out of a job.

Additionally, Both Teams Had to Agree to Bench Their Scrubs

In July the Reign, Seattle’s professional women’s soccer club, was forced to play on a smaller-than-regulation pitch scraped together in the outfield of a New York Triple-A baseball field because its opponent’s stadium had been booked for a TLC concert.

Actually, a Lot of NFL Wide Receivers Would Agree with That Last Part

Seahawks safety Kam Chancellor knocked on the doors of the Redmond Athletic Club after hours in March, hoping to discuss purchasing the recently shuttered business. Rather than welcome him in, though, employees called 911, claiming he and his partners looked like “homeless kids” who were “bad news.”

Residents Say the Neighborhood Has Really Gone Downhill

View-seeking homeowners in West Seattle—including radio personality Marty Riemer—and their landscapers were charged in September with illegally clear-cutting more than 150 city-owned trees crucial to stabilizing a slope in a landslide zone.

Stranger Things Season Two Spoiler Alert

A Vancouver, Washington, woman sued The Stranger in September, alleging that it ran a partially topless photo of her in its Drunk of the Week column. The newspaper’s general manager responded by claiming that the photo was of someone else entirely, and sent a separate picture of that woman as proof. But the petitioner claimed that picture depicted a third woman, not the person The Stranger maintained was in the original partially topless photo.

Courtesy keith allison edited oyaukm
At Which Point They Evacuated the Entire Block

In March, the Seattle Fire Department and a hazmat team shut down a street to investigate an abandoned backpack releasing “cough-inducing fumes” in a U District church, only to discover the source was a malfunctioning can of Axe body spray.

On the Bright Side, This Should Spark a Debate About the Appropriate Age to Let Kids Start Drinking Coffee

Starbucks recalled nearly three million stainless steel straws in August after three children suffered cuts while using them.

They’re with Him

The morning after Hillary Clinton became the first woman to receive the presidential nomination from a major party, The Seattle Times marked the occasion by splashing a photo of her husband, Bill, on the front page. Above the fold and under the headline “Clinton Makes History with Formal Nomination.”

“Frankly, We Would Have Gone with ‘Get Crunk on a Monday Night’ ”

After interns received an email in July from a Microsoft recruiter inviting them to a networking event after-party at which they could enjoy “hella noms,” partake in “lots of dranks,” and “get lit on a Monday night,” a company spokesperson said the message was “poorly worded and not in keeping with our values.”

His Claim That This Was a New Form of Screening Was Unsuccessful

Sea-Tac TSA agent Nicholas Fernandez was arrested in July and charged with taking upskirt photos of a woman riding an escalator. 

“I Cannot Tell a Lie: I Actually Blasted That Cherry Tree with a Musket”

Matt Shea, a state rep from Spokane, peppered the gun-rights legislation he introduced in February with firearm-friendly thoughts from -powdered wig–wearing heavyweights like George Washington and Alexander Hamilton. Which might have lent the bill some cred, if half of the quotes hadn’t been misattributed or altogether fake.

Authorities Consider Him an Anemone of the State

Though Paul Allen wasn’t onboard when it happened in January, his 303-foot yacht, MV Tatoosh, was blamed for destroying 14,000 square feet of protected coral reef while anchored at a dive site in the Cayman Islands. 

“So We’re Being Quite Literal When We Say, ‘All-Points Bulletin’ ”

Police investigated the possibility that someone was sabotaging the new Westlake Avenue North cycle track in September after dozens of commuters found tacks in their tires.

“Of Course We Can Trust Her to Investigate Herself. Why Do You Ask?”

After promoting detective Leslie Smith, Seattle Police discovered she had let at least 50 cases of alleged rape, sexual assault, or child abuse sit on her desk for years. Smith’s new job, by the way: investigating officer misconduct, in the Office of Professional Accountability.

Two, Four, Six, Eight, Who Do We Harass with Reprehensibly Misogynistic Speech of Hate?!

In May, fans of the departed Sonics NBA franchise expressed their disappointment with the five female city council members who voted against a measure that would have paved the way for a new arena in SoDo by sending tweets and emails that instructed the women to—in no particular order—get on their knees, get back in the kitchen, and end themselves.

The Year in Stupid Crime

  • March 14 Masked Man Caught on Security Camera Masturbating Outside U District Home
  • April 13 Police Investigating Children’s Bookstore Robbery Find Secret Pot Grow
  • April 19 Man Arrested for Spitting Fire into Capitol Hill Crowd
  • May 4 Man Crashes Car, Flees, Returns to Retrieve Monkey, Gets Caught
  • May 19 Bank Robber Nabbed After Leaving Pants and ID Behind
  • May 27 Fleeing Shoplifter Run Over by Getaway Driver
  • May 31 Thief Steals ATM, Ditches It in Backyard After Failing to Get It Open
  • June 17 Woman Smashes U-Haul Through Cars, Fences, and, Eventually, House
  • July 8 Adult Entertainment Store Burglar Caught Using Stolen Goods Nearby
  • July 22 Woman Uses Stolen Dinghy to Board Second Boat, Throws Lit Flare at Police
  • July 25 Fleeing Suspect Throws Batarang at Police SUV
  • August 3 Carjacker Arrested After Getting Stuck on Train Tracks
  • September 9 Man Kills Friend for Choosing Sleep Over Drinking
  • September 26 Man Loses Briefcase Full of Cocaine, Asks Police for Help Finding It 

But You Should See the Views!

The vacant home at 3243 Belvidere Avenue in West Seattle was in such bad shape—collapsed ceilings, toxic mold—that, when it went on the market in April, prospective buyers had to sign a waiver to view it. But that didn’t stop the 2,100-square-foot residence from receiving 41 offers and selling for $427,000.

Casting Doubt on the Story He Tells About the Time He Cut Off a Finger with the Band Saw and Reattached It Himself

Three months after claiming that an unidentified student knocked him out and slipped a zip tie around his neck, Bothell High School shop teacher Calvin Pygott admitted in August to making up the whole thing.

The Rest Contained Evidence of Officers Doing Doughnuts in Abandoned Parking Lots

In July, the Seattle Police Department blamed a computer glitch for the loss of almost 2,300 dash-cam videos, more than 500 of which contained evidence germane to ongoing investigations.

Shame Can Be a Powerful Conservation Tool

Upon launching its new online billing system in September—one year late and almost $34 million over budget—Seattle City Light inadvertently emailed more than 3,000 customers links that allowed them to view other customers’ bills.

But 911 Calls Continued Going to Blinky’s Rent-a-Clown Service

The Seattle Police Department’s nonemergency phone line was hacked for one night in May, sending callers to a phony voice mail inbox for the U.S. Marshals that requested personal information.

If Straight Mariners Fans Can’t Have Fun at Games, No One Can

In August, the Mariners reprimanded, then apologized to, and then unapologized to a lesbian couple who committed the sin of kissing in the stands at Safeco Field.

Airbnb’s New ‘Surprise Houseguest’ Service Is Off to a Rocky Start

When Davis Wahlman came home from work at KOMO News one night in July to find a few lights on in his house, he didn’t think too much about it. But when he heard rummaging in the attic the next morning, he investigated—and found a woman he didn’t know, who’d been living in his house for three days.

Well, You Don’t Get to Be Rich by Paying for Stuff

This summer billionaire developer Martin Selig fell behind on paying the electric bill for dozens of his properties—in some cases by more than five months—to the tune of $1.9 million.

So “Artificial Intelligence Bot” Is What We’re Calling Trump Now?

On March 24, less than 24 hours after Microsoft unveiled an artificial intelligence bot on Twitter that could “converse” with other users, the Twittersphere “taught” it to spit out racist, misogynistic bon mots that forced the Redmond company to shut down the whole project. 

Now Sure How They’ll, Uh, Spin This One

Seattleites cheered when waterfront tunnel-boring machine Bertha resumed its subterranean slog in January after a two-year maintenance hiatus. But just days later a barge carrying excavated earth dumped some of its contents into Elliott Bay and a sinkhole opened near the tunnel, halting Bertha again.


Just Shut It

Courtesy keith allison edited izmsig

Steve Clevenger (photo courtesy Keith Allison)

“BLM is pathetic once again. Obama you are pathetic once again. Everyone involved should be locked behind bars like animals.”   
—Mariners backup catcher Steve Clevenger, on Twitter, reacting to Black Lives Matter protests 

“In hindsight, a few of the thoughts I shared…may have come across as more motherly than what they would expect from their state representative.”  
—Republican Washington state representative Mary Dye, apologizing after asking teenagers visiting Olympia with Planned Parenthood if they were virgins

“Are you legal or illegal?”
—Washington state superintendent of public instruction Randy Dorn, caught on camera by a KOMO News photographer, while speaking to a Latino high school student in Tukwila

“He was a Democrat at the time, and he was channeling Bill Clinton.” —State Republican Party chairman Susan Hutchison, rationalizing a leaked tape in which Donald Trump boasted that he groped women with impunity

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