The C is for Crank
Joel Connelly Mad Libs!
I give up. Instead of responding, point-by-point, to the tired tropes Joel Connelly's latest anti-McGinn, anti-environmental screed, I'm just putting together a Joel Connelly Mad Lib so you can write your own. Borrowing liberally from the curmudgeonly PI.com columnist's favored cast of characters ("Hizzoner," "McGinn's mini-me on the council, Nixon) and well-worn vocabulary ("social engineering," "liberal authoritarianism"), I've suggested some nouns, verbs, and phrases to choose from; fill in the other blanks as you see fit.
[Mayor Mike McGinn/City Council member Mike O'Brien/Al Gore/Seattle's green-industrial complex] is out of touch. Hizzoner is stuck in the ["bunker on the seventh floor of city hall"/"cloud cuckoo land"/_______], and doesn't respect the will of the [real people/actual voters/car-driving public ].
Finally, though, it's clear that voters have become tired of ["liberal authoritarianism"/"social engineering"/Mayor McSchwinn's absolutist bike-only policies /Stalinist dictates from Hizzoner's ivory tower]. Those who still want to spend our limited, hard-earned tax dollars on transit, bike lanes, and sidewalks represent this town's ["echo chamber of insular authoritariansæ/social engineers who think they know what's best for the rest of us/ "green" elitists who don't understand that real people drive cars/________]. Those people are simply _____.
It's a shame. Groups like the [Sierra Club/Cascade Bicycle Club/Earth First!/________] used to [limit themselves to national issues/work to promote conservation of our pristine wilderness/ put together charity rides/ plant trees ]. Now they [meddle in the voters' business/ dominate local politics by spending big in local races/ _________.]
City fathers (and mothers!) have counted on several advantages in passing taxes in the past: Seattle voters have demonstrated endless generosity when it comes to taxing themselves, and a reliable amnesia when those promises aren't fulfilled. This time, though, the voters have spoken back, loud and clear: The war on cars should [be stopped/ take a backseat to preserving our pristine wilderness/ stop distracting environmentalists from the real problems, like saving the Clean Air Act from Republicans.]
Don't get me wrong. I [supported the Clean Air Act/ applauded President Nixon for creating the EPA/ read "Silent Spring"/give a hoot, don't pollute]. But the environmental absolutists blame cars for [slavery/ famine/ killing cyclists ], which is just ridiculous. Jobs are being lost across our region, and [speed bumps/ bike lanes/ crosswalks/ safe routes to school] don't help. Instead of spending millions on [bike lanes that only a few Spandex-clad elitists will ever use/ streetcars that only a few rich elitists will ever use / light rail that only a few rich elitists will ever use, ___________that only a few rich elitists will ever use], we should invest money in [building new freeways/ building new bridges/ repaving all our roads for cars/building me a personal bridge to Whidbey Island .]
This election, voters are going to send a shot heard on the [choose two: Fourth/Sixth/Seventh/Fourteenth ] floors of city hall: Enough is enough! As [Everett Dickson/Nixon adviser Dick Tuck/"Sarah Peller in those famous Wendy's ads"/civil rights protesters in the '60s/ Sam Rayburn/ Fiorello La Guardia/ Yogi Berra] used to say, ["A billion here, a billion there, and soon you're talking about real money"/"The voters have spoken -- the bastards"/ "WHERE'S THE BEEF?"/ "Move on over or we'll move on over you"/ "It's a damned lot easier to burn down a barn than to build one"/"When I make a mistake, it's a beaut!"/ " It's deja vu all over again."]
Now, for your final punch line, choose one or more of the Connelly sentences below (which have, conveniently, already served as the punch lines for eight different columns in the past year:
["[Voters have sent] a message summed up by a marvelously expressive Italian word: "Basta!" meaning Enough!/ "One expressive Italian word sums up voters' message Tuesday to the 7th floor of Seattle City Hall, a mayor's office which has resisted the deep bore tunnel: 'Basta!!!', which translates to 'Enough!'"/ "The voice of the people should be heard in a single, expressive Italian word -- 'basta!,' which means 'enough!'"/ "A marvelously expressive Italian word is ready for use: basta! Enough!"/ "It's time, in each Washington, to shout the most expressive word in Italian or any other language: 'Basta!,' or 'Enough!'"/ "In such circumstances, I'm drawn to a wonderfully expressive Italian word: Basta! Enough"/"Enough of this wheel-spinning! Or, as the Italians put it in one of the most expressive words of any language, 'Basta!'"/"No more evocative word can be found in any language than the Italian word "Basta!" which means 'enough' or 'Stop it!'"]
Congratulations! You've written your very own Joel Connelly column.
[Mayor Mike McGinn/City Council member Mike O'Brien/Al Gore/Seattle's green-industrial complex] is out of touch. Hizzoner is stuck in the ["bunker on the seventh floor of city hall"/"cloud cuckoo land"/_______], and doesn't respect the will of the [real people/actual voters/car-driving public ].
Finally, though, it's clear that voters have become tired of ["liberal authoritarianism"/"social engineering"/Mayor McSchwinn's absolutist bike-only policies /Stalinist dictates from Hizzoner's ivory tower]. Those who still want to spend our limited, hard-earned tax dollars on transit, bike lanes, and sidewalks represent this town's ["echo chamber of insular authoritariansæ/social engineers who think they know what's best for the rest of us/ "green" elitists who don't understand that real people drive cars/________]. Those people are simply _____.
It's a shame. Groups like the [Sierra Club/Cascade Bicycle Club/Earth First!/________] used to [limit themselves to national issues/work to promote conservation of our pristine wilderness/ put together charity rides/ plant trees ]. Now they [meddle in the voters' business/ dominate local politics by spending big in local races/ _________.]
City fathers (and mothers!) have counted on several advantages in passing taxes in the past: Seattle voters have demonstrated endless generosity when it comes to taxing themselves, and a reliable amnesia when those promises aren't fulfilled. This time, though, the voters have spoken back, loud and clear: The war on cars should [be stopped/ take a backseat to preserving our pristine wilderness/ stop distracting environmentalists from the real problems, like saving the Clean Air Act from Republicans.]
Don't get me wrong. I [supported the Clean Air Act/ applauded President Nixon for creating the EPA/ read "Silent Spring"/give a hoot, don't pollute]. But the environmental absolutists blame cars for [slavery/ famine/ killing cyclists ], which is just ridiculous. Jobs are being lost across our region, and [speed bumps/ bike lanes/ crosswalks/ safe routes to school] don't help. Instead of spending millions on [bike lanes that only a few Spandex-clad elitists will ever use/ streetcars that only a few rich elitists will ever use / light rail that only a few rich elitists will ever use, ___________that only a few rich elitists will ever use], we should invest money in [building new freeways/ building new bridges/ repaving all our roads for cars/building me a personal bridge to Whidbey Island .]
This election, voters are going to send a shot heard on the [choose two: Fourth/Sixth/Seventh/Fourteenth ] floors of city hall: Enough is enough! As [Everett Dickson/Nixon adviser Dick Tuck/"Sarah Peller in those famous Wendy's ads"/civil rights protesters in the '60s/ Sam Rayburn/ Fiorello La Guardia/ Yogi Berra] used to say, ["A billion here, a billion there, and soon you're talking about real money"/"The voters have spoken -- the bastards"/ "WHERE'S THE BEEF?"/ "Move on over or we'll move on over you"/ "It's a damned lot easier to burn down a barn than to build one"/"When I make a mistake, it's a beaut!"/ " It's deja vu all over again."]
Now, for your final punch line, choose one or more of the Connelly sentences below (which have, conveniently, already served as the punch lines for eight different columns in the past year:
["[Voters have sent] a message summed up by a marvelously expressive Italian word: "Basta!" meaning Enough!/ "One expressive Italian word sums up voters' message Tuesday to the 7th floor of Seattle City Hall, a mayor's office which has resisted the deep bore tunnel: 'Basta!!!', which translates to 'Enough!'"/ "The voice of the people should be heard in a single, expressive Italian word -- 'basta!,' which means 'enough!'"/ "A marvelously expressive Italian word is ready for use: basta! Enough!"/ "It's time, in each Washington, to shout the most expressive word in Italian or any other language: 'Basta!,' or 'Enough!'"/ "In such circumstances, I'm drawn to a wonderfully expressive Italian word: Basta! Enough"/"Enough of this wheel-spinning! Or, as the Italians put it in one of the most expressive words of any language, 'Basta!'"/"No more evocative word can be found in any language than the Italian word "Basta!" which means 'enough' or 'Stop it!'"]
Congratulations! You've written your very own Joel Connelly column.
