Assault Roundup: Attacked With a Metal Pipe Near Swedish, a Sorcerer Loose on Eastlake

By Tom Fucoloro August 26, 2010

11th and Madison, 10:30 a.m. August 20

A man who went to his storage locker near Swedish hospital was assaulted with fists and a metal pipe, according to the police report. The report does not mention that anything was stolen from the man, however. After visiting his locker, the victim walked down to the lobby. A man who has a locker near victim's punched him in the face without warning. The attacker then pulled a 15 inch pipe out of his back pocket and started hitting the man. He then fled the scene and does not appear to have been located.

Lakeview and Eastlake, 10 a.m. August 19

A woman was walking on Eastlake talking on her cell phone when a "transient" man in a "blue bulky quilted jacket with a hood that covered his face" approached her and said something she could not understand. Her eyes then began to burn. She told police she believes she was pepper sprayed, but this sounds to me like a clear case of sorcery. Clearly, this man was practicing "Eyes of Fire." If only there were a legion of smelly kids in a basement somewhere who knew how to counter this dark magic...

30th Ave NE and NE 127th, 9:50 p.m. August 22

Speaking of heroes defending the people from great evil, a man who was trying to get a so-called aggressive panhandler to go away was shoved. The victim told police he witnessed the suspect panhandle a couple leaving a restaurant so aggressively that a woman started crying. The panhandler then allegedly went across the street and started doing the same thing to people there. The man went and got the manager of the business, and the two of them came out and told the panhandler to leave. The panhandler allegedly became verbally abusive, so the manager went inside to call 911, leaving the suspect and victim together. The suspect then started yelling at the victim and shoved him. Police found him a few blocks away and arrested him.

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