We're going waaaaaaay outside of Seattle for this story, but it's just too good for me to not post.

The best lede ever, courtesy of WFTV in Florida:

The Brevard County doctor who was arrested for groping a woman while dressed as Captain America with a burrito in his pants will not go to jail.

Comic books, crime, and burritos are three of my favorite things. This truly is the perfect crime.