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Assault Round Up: Apple Announces New iRobbed

By Tom Fucoloro April 8, 2010


With so many iPhone and iPod users being targeted by muggers, Apple announced today* a new line of iProducts, modeled after the decade-old Nokia your mother still uses, designed specifically to prevent assaults like these:

March 30, Capitol Hill: A man with an iPhone was walking east on E John St. around 22nd Ave E around 4:30 a.m. when he was approached by two teenagers. Sensing danger, the victim pre-dialed 911 on his iPhone, according to the police report. The first suspect, wearing all black with a black hoodie, asked him if he had any money and if he had a job. When he responded that he did not have any money, they jumped on him. He was able to fight them off and run away, but not before the skirmish broke his $200 glasses and damaged his iPhone. No suspects were found.

March 31, South Seattle: Victim with an iPod Nano was waiting for the bus at S Fountain St and Renton Ave S around 11:45 a.m. when he saw a couple males he recognized from high school. He approached them and said, "What's up?" They responded, then walked away, according to the police report. A third, unknown suspect stayed behind and asked the victim if his iPod Nano was new. He then punched the victim in the face twice, grabbed the iPod out of the victim's hand and ran off down the street with the others.

Using a Rainier Beach High School yearbook, police were able to track down the first two suspects, who denied involvement. No arrests were noted in the report.

*Lies!

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