Given the nerd theme here at PubliCola—check out FoodNerd and TechNerd—I'm posting this list that someone—a super nerd!— just sent in from Olympia. What a geek. 


2009-2011 Proposed Legislation

(Every session has laws that are proposed that make one shake his/her head and wonder if legislators ever get serious. Here’s the first take of a continuing list since the 2009 Washington Session is just ending its first week. This list will be ongoing. Stay tuned for more…….) 

HB 1024: Armstrong: “Designating Aplets and Cotlets as the state candy.” Self explanatory.

HB1027: Armstrong: “Eliminating the state property tax levy.” And fund operations, how?

HB 1138: Liias: “Concerning access to employee restrooms in retail stores.”There has been a rash of customers peeing on retail floors.

HB1148: Williams: “Protecting animals from perpetrators of domestic violence.” Your dog, Butch, or cat, Fluffy, can now call CPS and report you.

HB 1150: Williams: “Providing civil remedies for damages to a companion animal.” Butch and/or Fluffy can sue you for damages. Don’t mess with Fluffy’s Kibbles and Bits.

HB 1222: Appelton: “Prohibiting devices in schools that are designed to administer to a person or an animal an electric shock, charge, or impulse.” Say what? All those years of carrying a Taser to school and now I have to leave it at home? Bummer, or should I say, ‘stunner’? 

*HB 1301:McCune: “Designating an official state Christmas Tree.” Versus an ‘unofficial’ Christmas tree. So after, one is designated, does the state create a shrine after it turns brown and the needles drop, because after all it remains the official Christmas tree forever.

*HB 1362: Goodman: “Concerning conveyances used in prostitution related offense.” Let’s see if I get this right. These conveyances, like the back seat of my car get attention for a prostitution-related offense, not prostitution, but related.Does this mean ‘sex-toys’?

SB 5038: Kohl-Welles: “Making technical corrections to gender-based terms.” “SHE” is always written this way, and “he” is always in lower case. Besides, what is a ‘gender-based term”? Slut?

SB5002: Jacobsen: “Creating the Washington heritage livestock and poultry breed recognition program.” Let’s reward good sperm.

*SB5063: Jacobsen:”Allow for the comingling of human and pet remains.” Fluffy can be buried with you, assuming you don’t have to kill her first……Besides the bill only allows for cats and/or dogs, so poor, Polly may want a cracker and to buried with you, but tough. She’s compost.New word for the day, “cemetarians” (people who administer cemetaries). I thought they were just old ‘rotarians.’

*SB5066: Jacobsen: “Creating a state ornithologist” Is this the person that cleans my teeth? Or is it something to do with vultures?

SB5105: Jacobsen: “Designating the Garry Oak as the state oak tree.” So what? I can’t even distinguish a Douglas Fir from a Hemlock tree.

SB5116: Honeyford: “Designating “The Evergreen State” as the official nickname of the state of Washington. This is an interesting one, since nicknames are never official. That’s what makes them nicknames…..

SB5123: Pridemore:” Declares that traps used to capture moles below the ground surface are not considered body-gripping traps.”Above ground, they are considered body-gripping, but buried they are not. Which means either they don’t work if buried, or they don’t grip mole bodies, which would also mean they don’t work. Unclear.

*SB 5103: Delvin: “Allowing a nonresident alien to possess weapons when hunting with a WA licensed hunter.” What is a ‘non-resident alien’? a UFO passenger? Then add a weapon….This is really spooky. Star Wars meets a pheasant.

*SB 5192: Jacobsen: “Allowing dogs in bars.” And give my dog, Butch, a bowl of margaritas……

*SB 5216: Carrell:”Creating a sentence enhancement for body armor.”  I use deodorant for protection. ‘I use deodorant frequently for protection.’ is a sentence that has been enhanced…

*SB5284: Keiser: “Concerning truth in music advertising.” This music sucks…….for example?

*SB 5336: Jacobsen: “Allowing dogs in designated outdoor areas of bars and coffee shops.” A variation on 5192 above. “Give Butch a triple latte; he seems rather pokey today.”

SB 5338: Jacobsen: “Requiring labeling of food from cloned animals.” This one is spooky. Am I eating third generation Porky the Pig meat and not knowing it?

If you want to actually read about any of these bills, go here and just type in the bill number. This one about truth in music advertising, from Sen. Karen Kaiser (D-33, Sea-Tac, Kent, Des Moines), for example, seems oddly specific.

UPDATE: The Aplets and Cotlets (fruit and nut candies) bill is getting a little coverage  here.
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