Be afraid. Be very afraid. (Bieber at the 2010 Juno Awards)

There’s always a coalition of politicians clamoring for a fence along the Mexican border. Those misguided mopes. Don’t they know we should be looking north, not south? Canadian musicians are invading Seattle this fall and we are not prepared. They come under the guise of “entertainers” but they seek to steal our children’s hearts and fondle the American Dream. If we’re not careful, we’ll all end up poutine-eating, moose-coddling hosers who recognize hockey as a real sport. So, where do I start?

How about that no-good scamp Justin Bieber (Oct 9, Tacoma Dome)? How dare you use your dance moves and highly processed pop tunes to ensnare young, impressionable American girls! And critics claim pop pianist Rufus Wainwright (Oct 1, Benaroya Hall) is so wondrously eccentric because he writes operas and covers Judy Garland, but “eccentric” is just a three-syllable way of saying “Huh?”

Hey Rush (Nov 13, KeyArena): Neil Peart’s lyrics are dumber than the Oilers trading away Wayne Gretzky. What, too soon?

Rock legend Neil Young (Nov 10, KeyArena) had the gall to steal American classics and cover them for his new album Americana. What gives him the right (you know, aside from public domain)? Get off our American lawn, old man. And hey, Leonard Cohen (Nov 9, KeyArena). You...can stay. We don’t want to look like total xenophobes.

Other crafty Canucks attempting to conquer Seattle this fall: Grimes (Oct 16, Neumos), Crystal Castles (Oct 25, Showbox SoDo), Stars (Nov 8, Showbox at the Market), Japandroids (Nov 15, Neumos), Patrick Watson (Nov 16, The Crocodile), and Cadence Weapon (Oct 26, Barboza).

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