When you’ve been doing stand-up for 40 years, certain things come naturally. Like swearing. “I’ve sworn all my life. I relax into the profane,” comedian Billy Connolly once said during a routine. “People say a limited vocabulary makes you swear. I don’t think so. I know at least 127 words.”

And shows like the ones scheduled for Seattle Repertory Theatre (March 12 and 13) don’t come scripted—they just happen. To craft his gregarious, bawdy sets, Connolly pulls from a lifetime of material: his childhood in Scotland; working in Glasgow’s shipyards; playing an “ultra-violent guy” in The Boondock Saints and a loveable teacher in Head of the Class; even the many manifestations of his beard.

So when he comes to Seattle, don’t ask him what he has planned. I already did. Let him wing it instead—with a wink, smile, and a curse.

It’s your first time here. What have you heard about Seattle?

When I lived in LA, lots of people were moving to Seattle because it was less insane and just as beautiful. They always talk about the rain—but then again, they always talk about the rain in Vancouver as well, and I’ve never actually noticed. I mean, I’ve been there in the rain but…I’m Scottish! Rain schmain. Give me a break. I’ve been on a campaign for years to stop weathermen from calling rain bad weather.

[But] I can’t wait to see the place. I want to see Frank Gehry. I think these are the designs of a drunk man. And [Seattle’s] the home of the coffee revolution. And you invented grunge. And Kenny G lives there! Or maybe he was just performing there.

What kind of show are you doing at Seattle Rep? What can we expect?

I don’t know. I’ll see when I get there. I have lots of stuff—old stuff and new stuff—and I like to make stuff up. I’ll try and get my instant feelings of Seattle, and … well, I don’t know! I haven’t a clue. That’s what I’ve done all my life.

Is there anything that’s been bothering you lately that you might vent about onstage?

Ermm, the smoking ban. Yeah. I smoke cigars and I would like a place to do it. I’m doing something completely legal and people are stopping me from doing it and I’m pissed off with the politically correct. I’m tired of people who have my best interests at heart. I could kick their bony asses. You know, leave me the fuck alone and stop trying to make me eat brown bread. … And cigar smokers are lovely people; they should be welcome in places! Unlike those awful cigarette smokers who poison the air.

Ha, how are cigar smokers different?

I don’t know what it is but I feel very at home with them. I’ve met very few cigar smokers I didn’t like, but I’ve met plenty of cigarette smokers I didn’t like. [Laughs.] Cigarette smokers differ from cigar smokers in as much as you’ll never see a circle of guys in a room talking about great cigarettes they’ve smoked. Nobody’ll be telling you about a 1956 Lucky Strike: It was amazing! I have it saved in a box.

What’s your best cigar story?

I’ve had a few great cigars. You know what I’ve got? I have a box of cigars called Cohiba Lancero signed by Fidel Castro. My friend’s a politician in Britain and he was meeting Fidel Castro, and I asked him to do it.

You’re coming to town right before St Patrick’s Day. Any plans for the holiday?

I’ve never done anything for St Patrick’s Day in my life. That’s when amateur drinkers go out. Real drinkers stay home. It’s like New Year’s—real drinkers stay home on New Year’s because the amateurs are out making an ass of it [laughs]. People going “woooo!” when they’re drinking.

Go "woooo" when Billy Connolly does stand-up at Seattle Repertory Theatre on March 12 & 13. Tickets are $45, available here.