Every now and then I could swear someone’s nabbed my 1977 diary and taken notes on my little 10-year-old fantasies. It’s the only explanation for things like Brokeback Mountain—"Dear Diary, Just watched The Magnificent Seven with Dad again. Do cowboys or gunfighters ever find each other attractive?"—or the straight-to-DVD masterpiece just released today, May 19, and already temporarily out of stock on Amazon.com: Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus.

Now, my diary had already been pilfered to produce Deep Blue Sea, a 1999 cinema classic in which three super-smart, genetically engineered mako sharks destroy an underwater research facility—an act which involves taking down a helicopter.

But I was not prepared for a movie that jumps the shark of even my excessive shark-jumping reveries. Deborah Gibson (formerly pop star Debbie Gibson) and Lorenzo Lamas (formerly Lorenzo Lamas) do battle with two creatures that, much like Deborah and Lorenzo’s careers, have been frozen for 10 million years.

The film’s trailer piles it on until, just when you think it couldn’t possibly go any further, it makes "over-the-top" sound like an understatement. It turns the screw better than Henry James. I won’t say anything else, except a big thank you to local film impresario Warren Etheredge of www.thewarrenreport.com for knowing a work of art when he smells one.