Alright, people, are we alone? Got the kids in another room? Good—this ain’t family fun week.

International burlesque sensation Dita Von Teese looks fabulous and gets to do fantastic things like take off her clothes and slosh around in a giant martini glass while squeezing an enormous olive. At the moment, I can’t think of anything that would get me to the Triple Door faster—other than, you know, The Transporter’s Jason Statham performing the exact same routine…

Sorry. I had a moment there. Whew. Where was I? Oh, yes: Dita is delicious and here for two shows a night. And, really, you have to love a gal who marries Marilyn Manson then divorces him due to “irreconcilable differences” (i.e. he’s Marilyn Manson).

If I led anyone astray in recent weeks with all the performance art bummers at On the Boards, I’m 98.8% sure I’ll make up for it by sending you to the same place for Tanja Liedtke’s Construct. Liedtke was just 29 when she died in a freak accident—she was hit by a garbage truck—shortly after being named Sydney Dance Company’s artistic director in 2007. By most reports, Construct, her last piece, is fleet, funny, and filled with a sexy athleticism, as evidenced in this blog’s slideshow photo. Dancers get only a short time in the light but, man, what a glorious time it must be.

Yes, I’m going to Merle Haggard and Kris Kristofferson. I know Merle sings “Okie from Muskogee” and would probably not care for the pleasure of my Jason-Statham-fantasizing company. So what? Country music—like opera, oddly enough—sounds better to me the older I get. And country music doesn’t get much better than Merle. As for Kick-Ass Kristofferson, well, the man knows a bad day when he dishes one out. He wrote the world’s most devastatingly beautiful hangover song (“Sunday Morning Coming Down” is hair-of-the-dog poetry) and braved alcoholism, the vampires of Blade, and Barbra Streisand. (In A Star is Born, Babs puts makeup and false eyelashes on Kris while they’re taking a bubble bath together. Yeesh. I told you this wasn’t family fun week.)

Sheila Daniels first directed the 90-minute adaptation of Crime and Punishment at the old Capitol Hill Arts Center in 2007. The show completely gripped me; it communicated both Dostoyevsky’s fevered angst and uncompromising humanity. Two of the three original cast members (both of them excellent) are back for this remount so, again, I feel fairly confident guiding anyone to Intiman to see how the production works on a bigger stage.

It took me forever to learn what “NSFW” stands for but now that I’ve figured it out I suppose I should tell you that, in keeping with our adults-only theme this week, the following clip of the divine Dita and her huge, wet olive is NSFW. Enjoy. And somebody convince Mr. Statham that this is a much classier act than Crank 2:

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