Ten thoughts on Watchmen, which took in $55.7 million over the weekend—$8.50 of which is mine and should be returned to its rightful owner: 1) Can we go back to that happier time when graphic novels were called comic books? 2) If the previous request is impossible, can we at least stop making movies from graphic novels? For some unknown reason, it gives movies superiority complexes (Hollywood used to feel high-falutin’ for adapting Anna Karenina; now it’s tossing around words like "visionary" over 2 1/2-hour snores about neurotic superheroes with neon blue penises.) 3) How can Hollywood effects people create neon blue penises but not manage to find convincing wigs or old age makeup for Carla Gugino? 4) Carla Gugino?! 5) Great opening credits sequence. Still don’t know why Jeffrey Dean Morgan was gunning down JFK. But great opening credits sequence. 6) I’m happy that Kirkland’s Morgan gets a shot at fame after paying his dues in that "romantic" Hilary Swank snoozer P.S. I Love You—P.S. Hilary: There’s a reason we all bought you as a boxer. 7) Fetishizing gruesome violence gets old fast. 8) Fetishizing Patrick Wilson’s naked caboose is evergreen. 9) Carla Gugino?! 10) Props to the career rejuvenation of Jackie Earle Haley—does everybody remember him sniffin’ after Tatum O’Neal in The Bad News Bears?—but who dubbed him with Christian Bale’s Batman voice?
Sorry, I meant Christian Bale in The Dark Knight, of course. Batman was just a comic book.