So Portland Mayor Sam Adams, 45, finally fessed up to shtupping a teenager. I’m speechless. Almost.

Let me be clear and state that I do not find anyone who’s two decades or more younger than me romantically interesting. You’re going to have to talk to your partner at some point; things will only sour once you discover the Battlestar Galactica that he’s talking about doesn’t star Lorne Greene.

I am fairly certain, though, that were I to give in to the charms of someone who may or may not be 18 years old—and, sure, I had doubts about my morals during that rough period before Home Improvement’s Jonathan Taylor Thomas got all growed up—I would not:

1) be a politician
2) think I wouldn’t get caught
3) choose a youth I was mentoring, particularly if that youth had a porn star name like Beau Breedlove

Beau Breedlove?! Really? I don’t care if that kid looks like a young Paul Newman (in fact, it’s worse if he does)—how can you be an elected official and not know to keep your hands off someone named Beau Breedlove?

That’s all. Had to get that off my chest.