Being a cheerleader member of a sideline dance group is serious business, people. To you knuckle-dragging mouth breathers, the Sea Gals look like a troupe of bouncing, giggling, hairspray-addicted pompom-shakers, but they’re actually genetically fortunate indentured servants who adhere to Marine Corps–like regulations and a hardcore code of ethics. With auditions for the 2009 season scheduled for this weekend, Left Field decided to peruse the Seahawks’ guidelines for keeping all those easy-to-distract girls in line, and what we found was hilarious disturbing. Some highlights:

You may also call her Ms. Drill Instructor
"Any article, including jewelry, to be worn in addition to the basic uniform must be approved by the Sea Gal Director."

Tardy slips are non-transferable, and you may only request one bathroom pass per game
"Any Sea Gal who is more than 15 minutes late to a game or rehearsal without an excused ‘tardy’ from the Sea Gal Director shall be considered to have missed that game or rehearsal."

And anyone who misses one rehearsal, one game, and one slumber party will be shunned and mocked mercilessly
"Any Sea Gal who misses three rehearsals, or three games, or two rehearsals and one game, or one rehearsal and two games without an excused absence from the Sea Gal Director, will be dismissed from the squad (suspensions are deemed unexcused absences)."

As a Sea Gal, you are eligible for a group discount at several local liposuction clinics
"Sea Gals undergoing changes in weight, muscle tone, skin condition, hair condition, or any other changes which, in the sole discretion of the Sea Gals Director, are detrimental to appearance and/or performance will be instructed to correct the problem and in the Director’s discretion, may be suspended or dismissed from the squad."

Fun Dip, Pop Rocks, and Red Man Chewing Tobacco are, however, perfectly acceptable
"The Sea Gal Director may dictate policies regarding gum chewing, smoking, eating, drinking, use of drugs and other activities whenever such activities may reflect negatively on the Seahawks organization."

We’re most definitely not here to facilitate your sick fetishes, girls!
"The Seahawks strongly discourage fraternization between Sea Gals and Seahawks players, coaches, mascot, and management personnel (‘Seahawks Personnel’)."