Oh Canada, We’re Not That Jealous of You

1. Your dreamy-looking elected officials distract from the important business of political name-calling and sustaining gridlock.

2. All that free government health care cuts down on sick days, which everyone knows are for bingeing Seattle-set TV shows filmed in Vancouver.

3. Axe throwing? What kind of a wimpy sport is that?

4. The more you think about it, calling someone a hoser sounds kinda dirty.

5. Poutine is widely available at fast-food drive-throughs, and Canadian car upholstery has never recovered.

6. Everyone knows the real Vancouver is that 170,000-strong metropolis where you stop for gas en route to Portland. 

7. Canadians’ genuine acts of niceness inspire feelings of confusion and mistrust.

Published in the The New Guide to Pike Place Market issue of Seattle Met.