Whether you’re home alone, shacked up with a significant other, or juggling kids, you’ve probably wondered at some point during this coronavirus pandemic what it would be like to quarantine with some other folks around. Well, we at Seattle Met say: Let that mind wander. We’ve put together five hypothetical, identically sized houseboats for you to join. Take your pick, Seattle.
As the two richest people in the world, Bezos and Gates pick up the takeout bill, and you get to fly-on-the-wall their late-night chats. But Sawant (the city council member behind the “Tax Amazon” campaign) and Bezos soon make a shut-in divorced couple sound harmonious. Beast Mode plays peacemaker. No stranger to drama, writerly Knox records it all for the history books. Once takeout gets old, who cooks?
Green Lake Frisbee Dude
Everyone here is affable enough. But right away Inslee is lecturing Frisbee Dude about how six feet isn’t six feet if you’re passing the same plastic disc back and forth while adjusting your man bun and eating a cone from Ben and Jerry’s. Monsoon and Guns N’ Roses bassist McKagan get in a heated argument over the relative chicness of leather pants, but ultimately make a karaoke alliance that only starts as a good idea. Erickson’s all: “I made lamb tartare!” Inslee abstains in favor of plain, organic spinach.
Capitol Hill Skipping Jestress
The Jestress skips around the boat with an otherworldly energy, which is entertaining until all that boat rocking—on a stomach full of Soma's soba—makes Wilson seasick. He’s good-natured about it all, but Ciara heads up future dance parties with a smoother 1, 2 step. Durkan keeps everyone informed about the pandemic, but won't let you see the electricity bills for reasons she will not explain, and can’t make up her mind about whether to let you chill on the dock.
This boat's a dream for parents reeling from school cancellations: Seattle sports power couple Bird and Rapinoe head up a competitive P.E. period (followed by a unique take on choir); Duchin's terrifying coronavirus briefings would make the Mean Girls health teacher squirm, but the Science Guy balances it out with some levity (till you hear something exploding on the dock). Eyman, not usually exhausted by political tiffs—and in this house, there are plenty—is strangely absent... You peer outside just in time to see your office chair sinking into the lake.
You get to discover what Stranger founder Savage thinks of the fictional version of himself his former staffer West created for Shrill, the Hulu show based on her life. Unable to escape in his Mercedes, Sir Mix-A-Lot finds out just how long a single Matthews jam session can go—long enough for Douglas to pop out for some Serious TakeOut. Better pick up an extra three-pack of red wine, Tom.