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Image: James Boyle

Alex Rodriguez, here. Former Seattle Mariner, perpetual Major League Baseball heel, and current Hope Solo superfan. Oh, that’s right, girl. I have a Google alert with your name on it, and every time news of your latest indiscretion blows up my inbox, like when you threw your little tantrum at the Olympics and got booted from the U.S. Women’s National Team, I squeal like I do when I’m at a Taylor Swift concert. 

Sorry, I’m not usually one for schadenfreude. (Honestly, I had to look up the spelling because I always confuse it with shade.) When you’ve built a career on lies and opportunism and squeezed a couple employers for hundreds of millions of dollars along the way, you tend to subscribe to the stones-and-glass-houses theory. My house is actually made out of mirrors, but you get my point. You’re different, though, Hope. Because every time you publicly berate your coach or take the team van for a late-night joyride with your intoxicated husband or pick a fight with a relative, you get a little closer to replacing me as the most despicable sports figure in Seattle history. 

Unfortunately, I couldn’t watch the U.S. play Sweden at the Olympics in August. I was sitting for my annual Greek mythology–inspired portrait—this year: Alex as a merman!—and could not be distracted. But later that night when I showed up at my support group for Seattle sports outcasts to find Tyrone Willingham doing keg stands and Ryan Leaf dabbing on a card table, I assumed you’d lied about being mugged at a Rio gas station or something. Even better: Not only did you lose to the Swedes on penalty kicks, but you followed that up by calling them “a bunch of cowards” for playing conservatively. Golazo! 

Until now I thought it best to keep quiet. Frankly, I ruin everything I touch, and you seemed to have things under control (in terms of not having things under control). But then I heard you were stepping away from the Seattle Reign for a while, and I had to act. Don’t walk away, Hope, not when you’re so close to eclipsing my awfulness. You’re not the villain Seattle deserves, but you’re the one I need right now.


All the worst,

Alex

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