There are currently more than 16,000 Seahawks-themed items on Etsy, and approximately 12,000 of them are infinity scarves. Of the 4,000 remaining homemade articles of clothing, jewelry and assorted tchotchkes, many are legitimately well-done. The others, though, look like they're the result of a concussion-fueled fever dream.

Blanket Coat

“Snuggy” was taken. So was “slanket.” But who needs a clever portmanteau when you’ll look this good. 

 

Pom-pom gloves

OH MY GOD, MOM. YOUR FINGERTIPS EXPLODED!

 

Wedding cake topper

Maybe it would have been funny if it weren’t for that whole “Ray Rice dragging his unconscious fiancee out of an elevator thing"? Yeah, probably not.

 

Super Bowl confetti

“While supplies last.” Or until you get your ass off the couch and go buy some tissue paper and scissors at Michael’s.

 

Skittles duct tape wallet

This rainbow tastes like desperation.

 

3D printed cookie cutter

Just a hunch, but that 3D printer might need to be recalibrated.

 

Seahawks glitter bomb

This sounds really familiar … Oh, right.

 

Marshawn Lynch prayer candle

Marshawn Lynch, patron saint of jock itch sufferers.

 

Angel

This is the “angel” who denies you entry to heaven.

 

Earl Thomas earrings

Even Earl’s like, “Girl, nope.”

 

30-inch beach garland

Who says beach garland can't also be Seahawks Swag?” Everyone. I mean, literally everyone but you.

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