NOT ONLY DID former Husky and current New York Knick Nate Robinson keep Seattle hoop heads shaking their pompoms as they braved Life Without the Sonics last season, he also kept them glued to the ESPN ticker. The mini baller with the big mouth tweeted his way into trouble after a routine traffic stop, palled around courtside with Will Ferrell, and slipped into superhero character to win the slam dunk contest. Brace yourself for the encore.
Knicks’ Robinson Refuses to Stop Jumping Over Stuff
NEW YORK— In response to his coaches’ request that he resist future attempts to “compensate for being a little dude by incessantly leaping over other players at the slam dunk contest,” New York Knicks guard Nate Robinson held a press conference Wednesday to announce that he would continue to jump over stuff. “That’s like asking Shawn Kemp to stop having kids,” Robinson said before vaulting the podium. “You know what? Screw it. I’m going to jump the Space Needle.”
Former Husky Returns to Seattle, Renames U District Street in His Honor
SEATTLE— Having patiently waited six months for city officials to acknowledge his breakout NBA season with a “modest gesture” like a ticker tape parade or statue unveiling, UW alum Nate Robinson took matters into his own hands Monday by hosting an impromptu ceremony to rename Roosevelt Way Northeast “Nate the Great Avenue.” Asked if such a move was presumptuous, he scoffed. “I averaged 17 points a game last year,” Robinson said while applying a homemade decal to a street sign at Roosevelt and Northeast 45th Street. “It’s not like I’m renaming Pike.”
Poll: Nate Robinson Believes Nate Robinson Is ‘Really Awesome’ 86 Percent of the Time
WASHINGTON (CNN)— A CNN/Zogby International poll of Nate Robinson found that the pro basketball player rates his existence as “really” awesome six out of seven days a week. One day a week, the poll found, he believes he’s merely “pretty” awesome.
Successful Baller to Skip Music Career, Go Straight to Movies
HOLLYWOOD— Calling pro–athlete forays into hip–hop “self indulgent,” New York Knicks reserve Nate Robinson announced yesterday that he would bypass the traditional first step in celebrity diversification and transition directly into acting. “Basketball players who try to rap aren’t fooling anyone,” Robinson said in a statement released by his agent Friday. Variety reports that his first picture will be Brothers from Another Mother, a “genetic–hijinx romp” costarring Will Ferrell.
NBA Star Admits Space Needle Jump Was Unrealistic
SEATTLE— To the surprise of no one in attendance, University of Washington alum and prolific jumper Nate Robinson failed this weekend to leap over Seattle’s iconic Space Needle. “Hindsight is 20/20, but I may have underestimated how tall 605 feet is,” he said. After months of hype and despite several warnings of its impossibility from physicists, gym teachers, and a group of third graders visiting the landmark on a field trip, Robinson went ahead with the stunt on Saturday. Afterward, he remained positive: “I think I could have had it if it weren’t for the antenna.”
Area Man Kicked Out of Coffee Shop for Dunking Doughnuts Too Emphatically
SEATTLE— Police were called to the Queen Anne Top Pot Doughnuts Sunday morning after a customer allegedly began violently slamming glazed crullers into his mug, splashing coffee on the walls, and forcefully bumping employees with his chest while screaming, “Yeah, kid! That’s how we do it in the 2–0–6!” Authorities later identified the perpetrator as 25–year–old pro basketball player Nathaniel Cornelius Robinson, of Rainier Beach. “You got the distinct impression he’d had a break with reality,” said Jane Andreas, a Top Pot patron. “He kept trying to leapfrog everyone.”