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The Devil Made Them Do It

Nightline stops in Ballard, for Satan’s sake

By Steve Wiecking March 19, 2009

Nightline has gone straight to hell. Instead of giving us more insight into, oh, I don’t know, THE ECONOMY, THE WAR, HOMELESSNESS, HOMOPHOBIA, RACISM, et al, the wise folks at ABC News (news?) will be right here at Mars Hill Church in Ballard tomorrow (Friday) to tape a segment debating the existence of Satan for an episode to be aired on Thursday, March 26.

The panel of experts includes Devil debunker Deepak Chopra (I’m quite sure he’s also available for weddings and bar mitzvahs); Bishop Carlton Pearson, a former Pentecostal preacher who, as quoted in The Seattle Times, feels that believing in Satan only "makes us helpless, paranoid, and frightened"; and Annie Lobert, a former escort (also once profiled on another obviously hard-hitting Nightline segment), who founded the "Hookers for Jesus" organization and, according to her "H for J" site, gives lectures entitled "The Pop Culture Pill—Will Your Kids Take It?" (I find that two of those pills in the morning are just enough to get me through the day, thank you very much).

And then there’s Mars Hill Pastor Mark Driscoll—or, as I like to call him, the pastor from Mars: Driscoll, also quoted in the Times, says he has no doubt there’s an actual Papa Pitchfork because "I have witnessed such great evil and injustice so often that no answer but the existence of a real enemy to good and life makes any sense to me."

No other answer makes any sense? Really? Hmmm. You know, ding-dangit, now that I think about it…I feel exactly the same way. How can we even be debating such an obvious truth? Instead of asking for people to send in questions for moderator Dan Harris (you can do that somewhere here), Nightline should allow us to submit queries directly to Satan himself. Here are mine:

1) Satan, now that you’ve been around a while, I wonder if you mind us addressing you less formally i.e. Is it okay to rebuke you instead of thee or will that make you even angrier?
2) When you address your minions do you find it hard to book a venue?
3) How did the concept of reality TV first come to you and when did you know it was the right time to unleash it on the world?
4) Can I "pawn" you my soul and then buy it back when my finances are better?
5) What kind of sunscreen is best for, say, a trip to Mexico?
6) Any regrets about your treatment of Mia Farrow and do you have a good relationship with the son you two share?
7) Do you think he or Damien will prove to be the most influential?
8) Do you like Madonna’s song "Devil Wouldn’t Recognize You"?
9) How much help have you given Madonna over the years?
10) Boxers or briefs?

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