Greetings, supreme leader—or whatever you’re currently demanding that the people of North Korea call you. We hate to intrude while you lick envelopes for the Valentine’s Day cards you plan to send to members of Creed, but we need to talk about that collection of impotent firecrackers you call an intercontinental ballistic missile system.
In late November, General Michael Hayden—who, despite what your intelligence officers would have you believe, is the former director of the CIA—predicted on our MSNBC that in four years you’ll have nukes capable of reaching Seattle. (Surely you heard about this via your state-sponsored carrier pigeon news service.) And on behalf of the rest of the U.S., all we in the Pacific Northwest have to say is: Come at us bro.
Now, under normal circumstances the idea that an erratic autocrat with thin skin and bad hair could one day soon have the power to annihilate us from afar would send us into a despair spiral faster than you can say “Dennis Rodman.” But just weeks earlier we’d elected our very own erratic autocrat with thin skin and bad hair who has the power to immediately annihilate us from within. So close! But you know what they say about horseshoes and mutually assured destruction.
We get it: There can’t be anything more demoralizing—short of having your family members thrown into a work camp for the crime of being literate—than watching as your nuclear might is met with a shrug from capitalist dogs. You probably ordered the abduction of a lot of supersmart scientists to achieve that capability! But this is really your fault. If you’d sicced your crack team of cyberterrorists on the Republican National Committee’s servers, you could have turned the election in Hillary’s favor—and preserved your place as the world’s nuttiest head of state. Instead Putin handed the White House to his red-hatted golfing buddy while you emailed viruses to James Franco.
So keep tinkering with your boom-boom toys. By the time they’re ready, we’ll have already been laid to waste by our own supreme leader.
Seattle (and most of the United States)