Next Time, Use the Bazooka

Upon finding a spider in his laundry room, a West Seattle man attempted to torch it with a lighter and a can of spray paint. The ensuing fire did $40,000 in damage to the house—which he was renting—and forced firefighters to initially battle the blaze from afar because the flames were setting off ammunition inside. The arachnid’s fate is unclear.

 

$5,000 Would Have Bought a Lot of Baby Powder

When a Washington state trooper pulled over a Bremerton man for driving without pants, the half-naked motorist explained he’d just received a full body wax and his pants were chafing. The driver’s “manzilian” excuse failed, and he was arrested and held on $5,000 bail.

 

Also a Really Nice “Hope Your Coworkers at Your New Job Don’t Suck Like We Do” Card

After administrators at Eastside Catholic High School in Sammamish discovered that vice principal Mark Zmuda had married a man—a fact they learned from teachers at the school—they fired him. An attorney for the school did, however, say Zmuda would receive “glowing reference letters.”

 

“We’re Also Sorry That Our Drone Threw Mardi Gras Beads at Her”

A Portland-based aerial photography company had to apologize in May after a 39-year-old Seattle woman who was walking topless in her 26th-floor downtown apartment saw the company’s drone hovering outside her window.
 

Because Leaving Your Shoes on While Cuddling Is So Impersonal

A Capitol Hill couple awoke early on New Year’s Day to find that a man they didn’t know had climbed through their window and into their bed and was cuddling with them. The visibly intoxicated intruder fled, but police would later find him at his parents’ apartment just four blocks away, thanks in part to the fact that he’d left behind his shoes and driver license.
 


Then He Started on a Portrait of Eastside Catholic’s Attorney

Hoping to make “the biggest dick drawing ever,” Seattleite Alex Wong launched a Kickstarter campaign in July that raised more than six times its $100 goal.

 

That’s the Last Time That Tree Will Get into the Middle of a Domestic Dispute

A married couple’s spat that began at an office holiday party on Queen Anne and continued on the drive home ended when the 34-year-old husband exited the vehicle and his wife promptly ran over him and the tree he was hiding behind.

 

Traffic on Highway 99 *Has* Gotten Pretty Ridiculous 

Asked why he stole a Victoria Clipper IV ferry from Pier 69 in Belltown on his birthday, piloted it out into Elliott Bay, and drove in circles for hours before finally being arrested, 33-year-old Samuel McDonough told police he “only wanted to go to West Seattle.”

 

Honestly, How Easy Is It to Fall into a Sewer?

Firefighters were called to Discovery Park in March to rescue a 23-year-old man who fell into a tank of raw sewage while walking on the beach with his girlfriend.

 

Okay, Apparently It’s Pretty Easy to Fall Into a Sewer

Firefighters were called to the corner of 15th and Pine in September to rescue two men who fell into an open sewer line while walking near a condo development.

 

Must. Resist. Temptation to… Oh, Screw It. They Really Coug’d It.

Washington State University students were peeved this fall when they discovered that the cover of a free day planner handed out by WSU’s bookstore, the Bookie, included a photo of another school’s campus: the University of Washington’s.

 

All the Seahawks Got Was a Trip to Disneyworld

A Tumwater couple was perplexed to find the Seahawks-themed garden gnome that had gone missing from their lawn after the Super Bowl back on their doorstep in September—complete with photos of the gnome posed in front of a dozen U.S. landmarks.

 

None of Which the IRS Recognizes as a Charitable Donation

Angered by noise from a Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure outside of her downtown apartment, 28-year-old Amy Lee allegedly threw the following out of her fifth-floor window and at her tormentors: a five- to 10-pound bag of trash, kitty litter that, according to police, was full of feces, a bottle of juice, and a hunk of frozen chicken.
 


“I Came Here for Clothes and Food, Bro”

Said Michael Howell, who Tacoma police found high on meth and hiding in a box of stuffed animals when they responded to a burglar alarm at a thrift store.

 

They Did Delete the Porn, Though

An audit published in April estimated that nearly one in 10 used computers given away or sold by the State of Washington through its surplus program hadn’t been thoroughly erased and still contained citizens’ Social Security numbers, medical records, and tax forms.

 

Everyone Wearing a Seahawks Jersey Was Counted 12 Times

Seahawks fans from Bremerton who missed an August preseason game because the ferry they were riding was overloaded and sent back learned one month later that the ferry had returned in error and was actually below capacity. Ferry workers—using handheld clickers—thought there were 1,684 passengers on board, when in fact there were 1,073.

 

The Other Two Were Only Slightly Used 

While sifting through donations at a Goodwill in Bellevue, employees found three human skulls—one of which was more than 100 years old.

 

Which Is to Say They Were Flying Off the Shelves

The Top Shelf Cannabis store in Bellingham had to stop selling its new pot-infused soda in September because the bottles contained too much carbon dioxide and began exploding.

 

At Least They Weren’t Bottles of Exploding Pot Soda? 

A Seattle man complained to police in March that he’d received two packages of pot through the mail that he neither asked for nor wanted. He turned over one to the police and disposed of the other. Allegedly. 

 



Is It Too Late to Vote on the Monorail Again?

Less than two weeks after a dislodged steel plate closed three lanes of southbound I-5 and backed up traffic for 10 miles, a two-car collision south of the West Seattle Bridge brought Highway 99 to a standstill for more than six hours.

 

In His Defense, He Told Them It Was There

After Everett police arrested a 26-year-old man for stealing a scooter, they discovered a grenade hidden under its seat.

 

The Legal Limit Is .08 Deities

When Tacoma police arrested 28-year-old Anthoney Stanley for rear-ending another car and then trying
to steal cash and doughnuts from a convenience store, he informed an officer that he could draw Stanley’s blood, “but all he would find would be God.”


Cops Behaving Badly

The less said about police around here, the better. But we can’t let them off the hook completely.

  • Bellevue police officer Dion Robertson was removed from the department’s bomb squad in February for driving a city vehicle after drinking three beers. Robertson had at one point supervised the squad but was demoted after drunkenly accosting a Seattle police officer and a handful of other people at a Seahawks game in 2012.
  • After the woman he’d been having an affair with ratted him out to his wife, Seattle police officer David Blackmer posted explicit photos and videos of his mistress on Facebook. He was subsequently convicted of cyberstalking and fired from the department.

  • In May more than 100 officers from the Seattle Police Department sued the feds and Seattle because a new use-of-force policy, addressing federal concerns that local cops are too quick to use force, doesn’t allow them to use enough force.
     

 

This feature appeared in the December 2014 issue of Seattle Met magazine.

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