With Seahawks fans abuzz over the NFC Championship game this Sunday, virtually anything blue and green is flying off store shelves right now. Anything, that is, except for this stuff.
At first you’re like, “Oh, snap. That’s one badass feat of engineering to toast a perfect Seahawks symbol on my bread.” And then you’re like, “But wait, when I want toast, I want the whole piece of bread toasted.”
They say you don’t choose love; love chooses you. And sometimes love insists that you let your future husband’s groomsmen wear neon green vests and eye black and that you slip on a garter licensed by the NFL. ’Til death or a Super Bowl loss do you part.
For those times when you need to fix something you broke in a fit of rage inspired by an ill-timed Richard Sherman pass interference call. Which will just remind you of said pass interference call and inspire another fit of rage, which will force you to get out the duct tape and … you see where this is going.
Cami and Thong Set
Also known as the warm-up jerseys for the Lingerie Football League.
You know the fish will laugh at you as soon as you drop this lure into the water, right? Like, their brains will undergo a spontaneous evolutionary advance that will make it possible for them to recognize and mock the irony of someone who spends his free time trying to snag dumb animals getting suckered into buying something just because it has his favorite team’s logo on it.
Zombie Lawn Ornament
The product description says “Anyone that walks past this Seattle Zombie figurine in your yard will realize how thrilling your garden really is.” But let’s be honest, there’s a better chance they’ll just realize how embarrassing it is to be friends with someone who would put that in their front yard.
Plush Russell Wilson Doll
Who cares if a Russell Wilson doll actually looks like Russell Wilson, as long as he’s brown. Casual racism FTW!
Retractable Badge Holder
When you really, really have absolutely no idea what to get your football-obsessed friend (who may or may not have a job in IT) and the store is all out of Seahawks fishing lures.
Product developer #1: “Boy, we really took a bath on those Seahawks scrunchies. I thought for sure they’d sell in Kent.”
Product developer #2: “Yeah. What are we going to do with all that leftover mesh?”
Product developer #1: “I got it: Let’s just make really big scrunchies and call them wreaths!”
Product developer #2: “You’re a genius. Let’s go do some more coke.”