Michael: You seem more villainous than usual, Mom; are you sober?
Lucille: Michael, it's 8am.
Michael: So, it's not that.
It's apparent from the scene above that Arrested Development matriarch Lucille Bluth has a reputation as quite a booze hound. Over the years, she hasn’t proven to be the most caring mother to children Lindsay, Michael, Buster, and especially Gob. But she has taught her offspring many valuable life lessons about holding their liquor. She’s the type of lady who orders a glass of red wine during a tequila-drinking contest and still wins. To her, any man in a tux is a waiter. As a (slow) wink to both Mother's Day and the cult comedy's long-awaited fourth season, airing on Netflix May 26, we looked to the booze-related wisdom of the dysfunctional Bluth family to guide us on a bender in Seattle. It ends up a little sloppier than a day out with Don Draper, but we think Lucille would approve of these destinations.
Lucille: Get me a vodka rocks.
Michael: Mom, it's breakfast.
Lucille: And a piece of toast.
Sometimes you just need a vodka first thing in the morning, you can always throw some orange juice in there and then it’s just a screwdriver. That’s totally normal. No one will judge you at Peso’s, partly because most of the crowd is still drunk from the night before and the other half is just getting started. Order some toast or maybe a side of tortillas for Lucille and a hearty breakfast of carnitas and eggs for yourself if you’re planning on keeping up for the whole day.
Lindsay: “Well, wine only turns into alcohol if you let it sit.”
So drink it fast? If this were true Bottlehouse would be out of business. With an extensive wine list featuring two-ounce tastes, five-ounce glasses, and, who are we kidding, just pass Lucille the bottle. Or better yet show her to the rotating wine taps with six to eight selections. Downtown at Purple Cafe, you can opt for a full on liquid brunch. The wine list offers around 80 glass pours and bottle selections in the upper hundreds.
Buster: “Juice. We have unlimited juice? This party is going to be off the hook.”
Oh, Buster. To him a box of wine is just a big juice box asking for a mega straw. Since Buster is Lucille’s favorite, she’ll make an exception this time and stop off at the Juice Box popup at Le Bête for a drink that has actual vitamins for her growing (man) boy. After that he’ll be fueled up and ready to show off their latest routine for the next Motherboy competition. To get that fresh vegetable taste out of her mouth, the next stop is Chico Madrid just down the road for a pint of juicy sangria from the machine.
Lindsay: “It's vodka, you know. It goes bad once it's opened.”
So that’s why when we open a bottle at my house, it’s always gone by morning. For lunch, it’s Mrs. Bluth’s favorite: olives and vodka. Head to Oliver’s Lounge open everyday at 11:30 for midday cocktails. After the company credit card gets denied, Lucille storms off to the ladies room and disappears, only to be found a few hours later across the street from the Mayflower Hotel chatting up a longhaired gentleman at Suite 410.
Waitress: Plate or platter?
Lucille: I don’t understand the question and I won’t respond to it.
Perhaps dinner at Belle Clementine will be just the place to enlighten Lucille about family-style dining. Though the idea of sharing with strangers will seem foreign to her at first, Lucille does have manners when she wants to, and by now her blood sugar level is way lower than her blood alcohol content. So anything goes. Just don’t ask her any questions or touch her martini.
Lindsay: “You might wanna lean away from that fire since you're soaked in alcohol."
To end the night, the Sorrento Hotel is right in Lucille’s wheelhouse. She’ll strut in wearing her pink Chanel and pearls, demanding the best room in the house. But let’s grab a spot in the Fireside room for a nightcap, not too close to the open flame, just in case Lucille tries to “air quote” with martini in hand. This way she won’t have far to the elevator up to her room. By the end of this Mother’s Day, we’ve plied the guest of honor with enough booze to sink the family yacht and she tries to show her affection as she departs:
Michael: Why are you squeezing me with your body?
Lucille: It’s a hug, Michael. I’m hugging you.
Arrested Development, Season 4, airing on Netflix May 26 at 12:01am. Make a martini and bust out those old pajama-jean-shorts.