opress2Hey everyone!  Have you heard?  Yesterday marked Obama's 100th day in office. What?!  You haven't heard?  Where have you been quarantined?  A small Mexican village filled with swine?  No?  Then you must have been glued to Fox News. Too bad for you because chances are you missed the most highly anticipated 100-day press conference since - well, since the beginning of press conferences.

Our last press conference break down was so nice we're doing it twice.Welcome to "Breakin It Down O-Style" with ObamaNerd. Unfold the majesty that is "The 100-Day Press Conference Break Down."

Here's an excerpt:
Q. It's inevitable that some jackass like me will bring up some stupid right wing social issue when clearly the biggest issues before us as Americans are not social in nature, but I'll do it anyway because I need to appease to my closeted anti-choice boyfriend (see the pink tie he picked out for me?). So to get to the question: Does signing pro-abortion rules give you an erection?
A.  God, I really hope someone is teeing up a gay marriage question because that sure is going to help put our country back to work and deal with climate change and make Americans healthier.  Hey, closetcase, I am pro-choice and so is most of the country.  Fucking deal with it.  Next question.

My transcript of the entire press conference is below the jump.

:06 - Psst. We're all going to die of swine flu. But don't panic. Well, YOU should panic because you're going to die. But I won't nor will the couple of million people who will have access to antiviral medicines.  Oh, and can you believe I have to deal with THIS shit now on top over everything else?

:25 - Wait, did I say panic?  Or "not panic"?  My bad.  Don't panic. Exhale. Our entire government is on the case.  Don't you trust government now after 100 days of Change You Can Believe In?  You should.  Why?  Because your new and improved government is recommending that schools that suspect they may have cases of outbreaks CONSIDER closing.  I mean we don't fuck around.  Pretty please consider closing temporarily so we can reason with the pandemic nicely and diplomatically.

:47 - Not convinced I am taking this seriously?  Well chew on this doubters: I just requested an additional $1.5 billion of fake, newly printed, worthless U.S. money from Congress to track and monitor the virus and provide more anti-viral drugs.  Suck it, swine flu. You're no match against the mighty US dollar.

1:11 - And not to put too fine a point on it because I don't want you to panic: Wash your hands, piggies. And cover your mouth when you cough.  I know you may have learned this in kindergarten, but I am just thinking about all those 2008 McCain states and pretty much assume they barely know how to tie their own shoes.  They need to be reminded.

1:36 - 2nd announcement:  Yay Congress for passing a budget and doing your jobs.  Sorry, I meant to say, "passing the nation's economic blueprint".  (Aside to self:  remember and rehearse message to lift Congress up, not tear them down).

2:07 - Fuck Congress. Here's what I have done for you lately:  Economic Recovery Package, tax cut for 95% of y'all, law passed to provide and protect health insurance for 11 million kids (just in time for swine flu season!) and a Homeowners plan that has caused a spike in home ownership.

2:37 - Do you remember the Bush years?  Holy shit.  Our economy was made of sand!  The recklessness of a few threatened the prosperity of all.  Well prosperity might be a stretch.  Let's just fucking survive 2009.

3:24 - We've begun to end the war in Iraq.  No really.  Remember that boondoggle?   I swear they are totally coming home—or getting re-routed to Afghanistan.

3:38 - FYI—I released torture memos to affirm my closing of Guantanamo Bay. This was a win/win for me. Not only does it remind everyone of the failures and recklessness of the Bush Administration, it affirms my leftiness by delivering on one of my lefty campaign promises.

4:02 - I am pleased with our progress, but I ain't satisfied.  What can a brother do to get some satisfaction up in this bitch?

4:37 - Did I mention my government takes shit seriously?  No really.  We are unrelenting and unyielding.  Especially when it comes to spending money.

4:54 - Next up:  Health care.  Oh and if you don't think Republicans are frustrated now (love you Arlen!), wait til you see the tricks up my sleeve for health care. Oh snap!

5:10 - I best be seeing some Wall Street Punishment legislation by the end of the year too.  And some credit card consumer protection.  And procurement reform and we'll scrub the budget and eliminate inefficient programs.  Yadda yadda.

5:56 - Better days are ahead. We'll be a beacon again for weary travelers.  Oh, scratch that.  You don't know what weary travelers are carrying these days.  So, just be patient.  Patience will get us through.  Now, I will humor the ridiculousness that is press availability.  How about you, Jennifer, in the weird robin's egg trenchcoat?

Q:  Hi. With swine flu, do we finally have a legitimate reason to close the border with Mexico?
A:  Swine flu isn't a cause for more anti-Mexican hysteria.  Please tell your editor at No Amnesty for Mexicans Weekly that, please. Next question.

Q.  Is there any way we can possibly kick the auto industry in the nuts any more this week?  More specifically, would you be willing to endorse Chrysler's bankruptcy or maybe do a little GM layoff dance?
A.  I feel hopeful Chrysler has a game plan because the unions have sacrificed yet again.  That's always a good business model—take more from your workers (as opposed to the Executives) and make them as miserable as possible.  That makes me hopeful and optimistic. GM has another 30 days to come up with an equally hopeful plan of worker/union abuse. Next question.

Q.  You said: waterboarding = torture.  Torture is outlawed by Geneva conventions.  Do you think Bush admin sanctioned torture?
A. Sigh. (Fuck yea I do!  Oh wait, that was just in my head. Here is my outside voice.)  Torture is against our values.  We don't need to torture.

Q.  Follow up.  Clever answer President Wordsmith.  But the question was: Do you think the Bush Administration sanctioned torture?
A. Goddammit.  Yes I believe waterboarding is torture. Next question.

Q. I am going to follow up on the previous guy's torture question.  Did you read the notes from Cheney and others that said "enhanced interrogation" methods saved lives?  And do you see yourself endorsing these techniques in the face of a new threat to US lives?
A. Of course I read them. I am the fucking President, asswipe.  I read everything.  Some shit is classified, some isn't, but here's the issue, dickweed:  Can we get that same information and not use torture?  And also are we safer when we waterboard someone 246 times?  I don't think so and neither does my National Security team. Or so I will elude when I say I consulted them. Next question.  Chuck Todd.  Finally, a friendly face.

Q. Can you assure Americans that you can secure Pakistan's nuclear arsenal and keep it from the Taliban's or al Qaeda's hands?
A. Sure and I can cure swine flu with my sweat. And I won't deal with a hypothetical situation involving the US military going to Pakistan.  At all.  Or insinuate I would send the US military there.  At all.  I don't deal with hypotheticals.  I am confident the nuclear arsenal will be contained. Next question.

Q. Iraq is a sucky situation.
A. Indeed.  Next question.

Q.  Specter's switch to the Democratic Party.  Game changer?  You planning on running roughshot over the American people, I mean the Republican Party.  And is the Republican party dead?
A.  Specter isn't my puppet.  Yet.  I don't have my rubber stamp Senate yet.  But that's only because I don't have Al Franken here . Yet.  And don't count out the Republican party.  Yet.  Their fearless leader, Rush Limbaugh, may lead them to salvation just yet.  Next question.

Q. It's inevitable that some jackass like me will bring up some stupid right wing social issue when clearly the biggest issues before us as Americans are not social in nature, but I'll do it anyway because I need to appease to my closeted anti-choice boyfriend (see the pink tie he picked out for me?). So to get to the question: Does signing pro-abortion rules give you an erection?
A.  God, I really hope someone is teeing up a gay marriage question because that sure is going to help put our country back to work and deal with climate change and make Americans healthier.  Hey, closetcase, I am pro-choice and so is most of the country.  Fucking deal with it.  Next question.

Q. During your first 100 days. What enchanted you, what troubled you, surprised you, humbled you?
A. Well, finally a 100 days question. Let me write this down since you're basically asking 4 questions, timehog. Surprised = how fucked up shit really is.  Troubled = political bickering sucks  Enchanted = insert gratuitous military hat tip-slash-blowjob here.  Humbled = by things bigger than me like Congress and bankers.  Oh and American patience.  Keep it going, American peeps.  Next question.

Q.  Are you still all in for immigration reform and on the same timetable to finish in year 1 and will you reach out to Senator John McCain, a Republican, on immigration reform?
A.  Holy shit, John McCain is a Republican?  Thank you soooo fucking much for reminding me. I didn't realize that the entire 2008 election cycle was completely wiped from my memory banks. Yes, I have said this before. It's an important issue and where Bush failed once again, I will prevail.  Next question.

Q. Communities of color are harder hit by this recession and nearly 50% of all black men in Washington DC are unemployed. Except me, clearly.  When do we get to see some tangible change for communities of color?
A.  Our plan works for all people and is designed to help those in most need. Except you.  Next question.

Q. You criticized Bush's use of state secrets. What's your view of state secrets and do you see use for it to derail lawsuits against administrations?
A.  If it helps me, I am for it.  If it reminds people that everything is Bush's fault, I am totally for it.  I think it's too broad so I think a couple of tweaks might be in order.  Next question.

Q. I am going to ask the final question in a way that I think is very clever. You are about to become the chief shareholder in an auto company and are already the chief shareholder of two mortgage companies.  Loves it?
A. No, don't loves it.  I don't want to run an auto company.  Auto companies are the new oil companies. Not so popular.  And I like my mid 60's popularity.  So no to running auto companies.  And banks.  Yes to keeping me popular.

'Night bitches.  I gotta go feed my new dog.