More to Love

And much more time spent on communication.

By Kathryn Robinson

What else changes when couples become polyamorous?
Introducing other people into the relationship almost always changes relationship dynamics. Add something else in and everything shifts. Sometimes it’s large, sometimes minor. But sometimes it shifts in directions that change power relationships or the status quo, that takes her attention away from him, or that makes the woman question other aspects of their power dynamic. Once women loose the constraints of monogamy, it can trigger a whole set of other things the woman might question, like ‘Why am I always the one that takes off work to take the kids to the doctor?’

How often does polyamory work?
Depends on what you mean by work. If you mean, takes some form and stays that way ‘til death do us part—extremely infrequently. But if you mean, meets the needs of the people involved for that point in time, then quite a bit. The larger the polyamorous groups get the less stable and cohesive they are. The more enduring form tends to be the open couple: The male-female couple who cohabitate, with additional partners. It’s the most common and appears to be the most enduring. But their cast of characters tends to shift.

And do couples of that description stay together?
Their chances of staying together depends wholly on who they are.

You mean like ones with great self-esteem can best overcome the jealousy?
Well…in reality who doesn’t have self-esteem issues? Predicating successful poly on perfect self-esteem isn’t going to work. But some people have a degree of relational possessiveness that makes poly a bad choice for them. Some people are just hardwired to be monogamous. I do think that. As a sociologist, that’s uncomfortable to say…it’s so essentialist! But it’s just their most comfortable emotional zone, a personality orientation, not unlike a sexual orientation. And, I think, some are hardwired to be poly.

OK, so now it’s my turn to be essentialist. What’s the difference between a polyamorous male and…a guy?
If he wants to have other partners but doesn’t want you to have other partners, that’s a major red flag.

How did you become interested in polyamory?
I was the classic woman who came in kicking and screaming. My partner really wanted to try it, and was looking for The Unicorn but couldn’t find her. He found other things. And I found another man. Basically he couldn’t deal with that. So ten years into it for the two of us, and at great trauma to us both, we came back to monogamy. We tried that for the next five years—and it wasn’t problematic sexually, because in reality neither of us really been that actively polyamorous. But I felt so betrayed by his sudden turn of intention once I found another man—I couldn’t get over that. Because he had pushed it for so long, finally overcoming my resistance, and then once I began to like it he said, ‘No, let’s not do this.’ I was like, ‘No! You don’t get to make that rule!’ Finally I left him. We’ve remained good friends, but I’m really gun-shy of polyamory for myself. I’m not sure I could maintain a long-term poly relationship. I could date multiple people, yes. But the idealized poly image of having this expanded family—it is just so much work.

Is Seattle a hotbed of polyamory—so to speak?
Yes! Seattle and the Bay Area are both centers of polyamory. Washington, D.C., as well. Much like gay and lesbian communities, polys gravitate towards larger population centers because of the social opportunities. The West Coast has always had this sexual adventurousness, and is a bastion of sexual tolerance. Plus there’s a strong connection between poly and bisexuality, and Seattle has been a major center of bisexual organizing.


The story of Amy and Josh, a couple contemplating polyamory, HERE.