Rules of Engagement
Polyamory, or ethical nonmonogamy, is more than managing jealousy. As a longtime polyamorist, I can tell you the real issue is scheduling. Your article (" Big Love ,” June 2010) made it feel like polyamory is some high-minded, unachievable theory, when in fact it’s about looking at yourself realistically and being honest about your relationship needs. Most people are not monogamous in actuality. Our culture has simply integrated serial monogamy and cheating into its theory of relationships. Polyamory takes the lying and the cheating out, which means communication becomes the only way to have healthy relationships.

Next time you decide to highlight an alternative lifestyle, I suggest you find some folks who aren’t new to the idea—find some people who have made a success of the lifestyle.
Theresa Brennan
via seattlemet.com

Imagine That
Remember when interracial relationships were an anomaly? Remember when living together outside of marriage was abject sin? Only 10 years ago when a lover suggested to me that we try polyamory (" Big Love ,” June 2010), we couldn’t find living examples of it anywhere. Now I can find them all around me. What we can imagine is limited by what we can see. And it is so difficult to live something that we cannot imagine.
Leila Anasazi
Seattle

What’s in a Word
So often I see articles (" Big Love ,” June 2010) equating polyamory with “wanting to cheat without having to sneak around,” told as a morality tale, ending in pain or breakup, with the other person inevitably deciding, “I’m not wired for that.”

Cue the choir of successful, vocal polyamorists with successful examples and resources and facts (like the one that marriage is not, for instance, universal across cultures), and there’s a divide too great to cross. The debate becomes philosophical, and easy to shut down with the “communism is great…in theory” argument.

So I’ll extend the olive branch by saying what no other male polyamorist dare, at the risk of playing right into the primary, stereotypically “female” fears people try to tiptoe around: Monogamy gets boring. It’s certainly not the only reason for polyamory, but it’s the elephant in the room people most often end up talking past each other about.

You can have the hottest, smartest, best-suited partner in the world—one you’d never in a million years want to leave, but that person will never have the one thing that sparks dopamine-level chemical excitement: newness. A new partner really can bring new inspiration, forcing you to reassess yourself with respect to how you want to be perceived, allowing you to be open to new things in a way you can’t really achieve without some vested interest.

And this basically happens to most people anyway—they just call it “cheating.” Cheating, at best, gives one partner some excitement at the expense of trashing the relationship’s trust and honesty, and at worst, blindsides the partner with a breakup.

The polyamorous version of this requires enhancing communication, trust, and honesty, and the primary relationship gets to share the benefits of the excitement and inspiration (and be forced to deal with jealousies that might have been simmering below the surface anyway), and at worst both partners experience their breakup in slow motion. But without a supportive community, if something unfortunate happens, the fault is all on him for suggesting something nonstandard and you for agreeing to it, and your story becomes another morality tale to other “normal” people, warning them to stay away from polyamory because look what it did to your relationship (conveniently ignoring monogamy’s role in all the other failed relationships in your life).

So yeah—I can see the resistance. If I weren’t in Seattle in a supportive community, I am not sure I would have had the nerve to try—but I’m happy I did.
Damien Jones
Belltown

Great Expectations
It was a good idea for the city to attempt to get more of these accessory dwelling units permitted (" Too Legit To Permit," June 2010), but just silly to expect them to meet 2010 building codes. Most Seattle houses were built over 50 years ago and don’t meet most of today’s code. There’s no need to overbuild the rental cottage. It’s too bad for the homeowners who would like to comply with the law but just can’t afford it.
Sam DeBord, Realtor
Wallingford

Veggie Tales
I love reading the restaurant reviews in the dining guide. I do have one recommendation. Given that Seattle is ranked the third best city for vegetarians, I would recommend adding a “vegetarian friendly” icon.
Sky Earth Youngblood
Renton

Happy Customer
’Zaw is the best (" The Great Seattle Pizza Smackdown," March 2010). Not only does the pizza meet and exceed the quality, price, and taste I expect from a great pizza place, the business concept is innovative, modern, and completely accommodating. I don’t know too many neighborhoods in this world that could have a pizza delivered with beer or a bottle of wine. How cool is that? The folks at ’Zaw are committed to their consumers and totally get it. The pizza tastes great. Salads, too. All ingredients are fresh. Like their approach to doing business here.
Christine Scott
via seattlemet.com

Hippie Pizza
My mom’s pizza—simply whole tomatoes, olive oil, jack cheese, and salt on a fantastic crust baked in her stacked Whirlpool ovens in our home on Mercer Island—was the gold standard of pizza, maybe in Seattle, certainly among the faculty of the Department of Anesthesiology at UW in the ’60s, ’70s, and ’80s; I proudly served it at department parties. But as soon as I moved to Eighth and 43rd in ’69, my freshman year at the U, I too cranked for the countercultural experience of Morningtown (" A Note from the Editor: Pizza Piety ," March 2010). I loved that place and its radical pizza designs. Honest to god, whenever I’m in the neighborhood I still look for that old garage and remember those delicious hippie pies.
John Bonica, Owner, Tappi Pizzeria
Twisp, Washington

Correction
In the May 2010 issue, we should have credited the photograph on page 81, illustrating the article " Discount Decor on the Down Low ” to John McKinney.

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