Then came the bombshell. Clark, who was about to escort me onto the ice for my beginner’s lesson, and his wife, Cristin, have won the U.S. Mixed National Championship six of the last eight years. They’re so big in the curling world that last year writers from The Simpsons enlisted them as consultants for an episode about the sport that will air in January.
Doubters knock curling because of the simple mechanics involved in delivering the rock, and they’re kinda right: Kneel down, rock forward, rock back, launch into a slide on one knee, let go of the rock. Try that on a well–polished parquet floor and it ranks somewhere between bowling and darts on the Al Bundy scale of beer–gut physicality. Ah! But add ice and it morphs into a tricky test of concentration, balance, and core strength.
Experienced curlers hold a broom in their nonthrowing hand for balance. Clark, who’d no doubt sized up my weak ankles from the minute I’d skidded, arms flailing, onto the ice, had me rest each hand on a rock for extra stability as I practiced pushing off of the starter’s block (or “hack”). Not even that was enough support to save me from face–planting—and I hadn’t let one go yet. And a funny thing happened when I did. Curling is as much about finesse and strategy as it is about athleticism; aim your rocks for perfect placement, whether that’s landing on the button or blocking an opponent’s approach. For me, as soon as the rock left my hand it became a primal, adrenaline–fueled game of survival. I lost track of its trajectory partly because my mind shifted instantly to my pinwheeling limbs but mostly because I ended up on my back.
As I lay there, Clark slid over to help me up (he may or may not have done a little pirouette to emphasize his ice mastery), extended a hand, and offered words of encouragement: “Hey, that wasn’t bad. You’ve got nowhere to go but up.”
Published: January 2010
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