Just your typical fries topped with sour cream, bacon, and chives. You can also add wing sauce. Photo via French Fry Heaven's Facebook page.

I admit, when a rando press release about a chain restaurant concept comes across the virtual transom, I don’t generally pay it much attention. Especially ones that are opening in any sort of mall. I realize this is snobby. 

But, whoa. A restaurant dedicated to French fries? This is either the official moment civilization collapsed, or the best thing that’s happened to me all week. 

A chain called French Fry Heaven is apparently opening at Southcenter mall on November 15. It’s the first franchise location west of Texas, and the menu consists of fries that are thick-cut and fried twice—as the Belgians do—and smothered in all manner of combinations: dill seasoning and ranch dressing, ghost pepper salt, wing sauce, a cheeseburgerlike combo of dill pickle seasoning, ketchup, mustard, and cheddar. Something called Aussie chicken salt. And, probably, all of above, if you ask nicely. 

A menu of sweet potato fries leans sweeter with toppings like brown sugar and cinnamon, caramel, or blueberry sauce. 

No surprise—the founders divined this concept during a vacation in Europe, then took it in a gonzo only-in-America direction. When I was in journalism school I spent three months working in Brussels, and became obsessed with trying all of the 30-plus dipping sauces at the little frites stand I passed on my way home (I never did brave the one mysteriously labeled "chicken sauce"). Since Frites closed on Capitol Hill, I can’t recall any local outfits that specialize in fries. Which is kind of surprising considering society's ongoing love affair with gluttonous novelty (and the fact that fries are generally a high-margin item).

The release says the company is planning even more locations in the Western US. Unleashing one of these in an area populated by drunk people rather than mall shoppers seems like a quick ticket to amassing Breaking Bad–style barrels of money, no elaborate murder plots or train robberies necessary.

The French Fry Heaven website is full of references to angels, saints, and the like. Maybe the company can work out some sort of progressive dinner deal with the folks at Heaven Sent Fried Chicken? Meanwhile, our picks for the best fries in Seattle can tide you over until this place opens.

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