Cheater, Cheater
Every woman loathes the Other Woman…but how does she feel about the Other Man?
S. was a whip-smart Ivy League English major–turned–human resources exec who married an equally heavy hitter but retired with her first child. Now she had three young children, a beautiful home, a busy roster of volunteer commitments, a devoted husband who traveled widely on business—the whole sparkly package—and, best for her many friends, a wry and quiet wisdom that made her a great confidante. She looked at her empty wine glass, then picked up a bottle of cabernet and swigged straight from the bottle.
And blurted: “A few years ago I took a lover.”
Every eyebrow in the room shot into a hairline. Every fork stopped in midair.
“And he’s…still my lover. But first you need to know that I really love my husband. Adore him. I have no intention of leaving him. He and the kids are my world.” We must have looked confused. “I just discovered—and was stunned to discover—that my lover satisfies me in a way that doesn’t take anything away from my relationships at home.”
“I’m not saying this would be true for anyone else,” S. continued carefully. “But for me, having a lover has made me feel more alive. It’s made me feel sexier. It’s made me feel younger.” Instinctively my hand flew to my chins. “And here’s the thing: Bringing all that to my marriage has made me a better wife. It’s reduced the unreasonable expectations I once had of my husband. It’s not his job to make me happy, it’s mine. This is me making myself happy.” S. looked around contentedly. “It actually has nothing to do with my husband at all.”
Wait a sec…like a new hobby? A really, really secret new hobby? I waited for her to drop the D-bomb. But she didn’t—far from it. Her conversation bobbed from happy hearthside tales of her family vacation at an Okanogan dude ranch to a romantic midsummer idyll with her husband—to her scorching reunion with her lover.
As S. described him—tall, check; dark, check; handsome, check check check—every one of us inched to the edges of our chairs. One, licking chocolate ganache off her fork, seemed to be licking the silver plate off with it. (That thing about other’s people’s lust being uninteresting? Apparently not true across the board.)
S. wasn’t out to influence anyone, but her listeners, married women all, were looking pretty influenced. A survey I saw not long ago revealed that fully one-third of the 30,000 American married moms sampled had stepped out on their husbands. One-third. I didn’t really believe it at the time. I know a lot of moms, I am a mom, and I didn’t know a single cheater. I don’t think I did. Now the numbers were beginning to seem plausible.
Even reasonable S. made it sound so French, taking a lover—not tawdry and low-life, like having an affair, but positive and renewing, like a brow-lift. And even pro-family, as in the way the French tacitly condone the practice. Why destroy whole families for one partner’s petite, discreet diversion? If a tryst can remain a secret, the way S.’s had… well, why not?
For the briefest of fleeting seconds I actually went there: Maybe cheating isn’t wrong if the cheatee never finds out. Maybe the betrayal delivery system known as the lie could be seen not as a marriage wrecker but as a marriage saver. And then I pictured M., her shattered heart the fallout of a tryst, or dozens of them, that did not remain a secret. S.’s self-worth had soared to the very proportion M.’s had plunged—simply by being on opposite sides of someone’s cheatin’ heart. What lesson was a group of married women, women who weren’t getting younger fast, to take from that?
Around me, I could see that the women in this particular room had gone all dreamy-eyed and faraway. Maybe they were judging S. as no different from the walking Y-chromosomes who typically do the cheating. Or maybe something new and troubling and thrilling was dawning on them. The Other Woman may never get older, true. But the woman with the Other Man? Why, she can age all she wants.
Published: October 2009
I have to say that this article brought up in me as much or more disturbing feelings as you mentioned having when listening to your friend’s tale of betrayal. A lie is a lie, no matter what form it takes or what social justifications we create in our own heads about it. I am a married man with a beautiful daughter and the thought of cheating on my family is the most sickening and painful circumstance I could imagine going through, or putting my family through. This idea that people may have that cheating is a means to ease some minor personal struggle in their lives or fill some emotional void are simply the most selfish people imaginable. S.‘s statement of “But for me, having a lover has made me feel more alive. It’s made me feel sexier. It’s made me feel younger”, says the word “me” four times. I wonder how ’alive, sexy, or young’ her having a lover would make her husband and children feel??
I am not saying that people and S. don’t have a need to feel those things, but I am saying that there A MILLION other ways in this life to achieve those feelings (or any others that you personally feel are lacking) that don’t entail betraying the very foundation of their marriage and family……which SHOULD be built at the very least on honesty. S.’s blasé “hobby lover” idea sounds like she is taking her marriage as serious as going to yoga classes every week, just one more thing to maintain her life.
I personally feel that the most fulfilling parts of my marriage and family is when I am transparent and honest with them about the things I am feeling, and they find out things that I was holding inside for whatever reason. It is amazing how freeing, young, sexy and uplifting THAT can be when the people you are exposing yourself wholeheartedly to are the one’s you actually love, and in turn, truly love you.
This Back Fence article really hit home for me. Having at one time or another been on both sides of the infidelity “fence” I can honestly say that no good will ever come of having an affair. I have never been married or had children so I can’t imagine the devastation that would result in those circumstances. But speaking from my own experience, as hurt and betrayed as I was when I was the one being cheated on (and it was severe), the impact was even greater when I was in the position of being the cheater. I hurt a person I was in love with for nothing but selfish reasons. I lost many longtime friends and have spent years mending relations with my own family. Unless both parties in the relationship are open to the idea of having lovers, someone is going to get hurt. What little you stand to gain cannot be compared to what you could ultimately lose.
Taking a lover without an agreement that the marriage is an open relationship is a guaranteed divorce. An affair might make this woman happy this moment, but only if she ignores all the future unhappiness she will experience when her betrayal comes to light.
The adult way to deal with her unhappiness is to talk to her spouse, explore new ways to enjoy each other, try changes such as toys to find the sexual satisfaction she craves in her marriage, and, if amenable, agree to an open relationship so both sides can take other partners without any betrayal.
Cheating on your spouse might be a selfish thrill in the short-term, but it will lead to disaster in the long-term.
Anonymous is right on this one. Also, I was just bothered by the fact the article pretty much said cheating is okay for women to do, but not for men to do. Not only is it wrong across the board unless there is a concrete ‘open relationship’ policy (which in itself is a bit hairy), but at least those loathesome “Y-chromosomes” are evolutionarily inclined towards it.
I was drawn in by the “when is it okay?” tagline, and thoroughly disappointed to find out the answer is “when women do it.”