The 10 Things We Hope to See at the Seahawks Parade
We'll settle for seeing Marshawn dance.
For all you members of the 12th Man who didn’t have enough fun celebrating the Seahawks monster 43-8 Super Bowl victory last night (like maybe my neighbors, who set off 4th-of-July-size fireworks well into the night, which was cool, but after an hour, it’s like, really?) you’ll have one more chance to party with the team this Wednesday. Within minutes of the final gun last night (the metaphorical one in the game, not any of the ones that were going off in my neighborhood), the team had announced a parade that will kick off on Wednesday at 11am on Fourth Avenue, south of Denny Way, and continue to CenturyLink Field.
I’m kind of meh on parades (too many bad memories of small town Independence Day events where the biggest attraction was the Shriners and their tiny motorcycles), but this one has the potential to be pretty great, provided any of the following happens.
• San Francisco 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh crashes the party to show off his new pair of khakis and his latest dance moves.
• Actually, scratch that. Let Marshawn Lynch do the dancing.
• Kam Chancellor, the baddest man in pads, begins form-tackling any revelers who get out of hand.
• Matthew Mills, the 9/11 truther who hijacked Super Bowl MVP Malcolm Smith’s post-game press conference, is named grand marshal.
• No Skittles. Anywhere. Please.
• Russell Wilson surprises everyone by announcing that he’s actually an atheist, but then, just as the crowd goes completely silent, he’s like, “PSYCHE!”
• Eli Manning, brother of Peyton, is in attendance, just to show everyone his derp face.
• The confetti is made up of all the newspaper articles and ridiculous columns that predicted the Broncos would run away with the game. Because schadenfreude.
• Seahawks GM John Schneider rides on a float wearing nothing but his WWE championship belt.